Green Dollar

The following is a satire of "Hellfire" from Disney's version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

O human sophia
You know I am a learned man
Knowledgeable greatly of God's word
O human sophia
I do know what the scriptures say
Unlike what's thought by those sad Bible nerds

But tell me, sophia,
Why he makes me take a zig
Why this witchcraft makes my sins unfurled
I see him, I want him
That smug look and that powdered wig
Emboldens me to make friends with the world

This dollar, green dollar
Like fine delicacy
I forsake the scholar
And embrace relevancy

It's not my fault
Don't give me blame
It is society
They love to get inflamed
It's all God's fault!
He made the youth
To find a falsehood so much hipper
Than the truth!

O guide me, sophia,
I promise you I won't preach hell
I'll give lost men what they want to hear
Bring in all the cool peeps
And let my numbers start to swell
I'll even serve communion with draft beer

Associate Pastor: "Pastor, we finished the outdoor skating rink."

Pastor: "...what?"

Associate Pastor: "The one we were building right next to the basketball court. It's finished."

Pastor: "But I wanted an indoor...whatever. Get out, you idiot! I'll just build another one! And then, I'll buy an indoor wave machine!"

Green dollar, sweet dollar
Do not, world, my church spurn
Love me or I'll holler
Help me a profit turn
Men are saved by the Spirit
It doesn't depend on me
But for gain I'll teach what lost men yearn!

Steve Kelly and Wave Church - Cultic Teachings on Leadership

The following is a link to my podcast reviewing the sermon "Is Your Destiny Connected to Your Leader?", by Steve Kelly of Wave Church in Virginia Beach, VA.


This link leads to the email exchange between myself and Wave Church Associate Pastor Clayton Ritter on December 30, 2012.

The following is a copy of the email sent to me by Frank Rue (shared with his permission).

from:		Frank Rue
to:		Tony-Allen
date:		Thu, May 16, 2013 at 10:58 PM
subject:		Re: Greetings; Wave Church Tony-Allen - We were given an audio cassette (it was a while ago, haha) of "Your Destiny is Connected To Your Leader", and it was much more direct than the more recent one you've mentioned. The more recent one is a lot more tame. I wish I could dig up the old one, but it is not available anymore. My wife was the Executive Administrator for our church in New Jersey, and our church was the church in the Wave Network that was responsible for making most of their materials, including the Network Church Handbook. I still have copies of the handbook, electronically, and it contains the requirement of listening to the original "Your Destiny is Connected to Your Leader" language. This requirement is for leaders of the church (pastors on down through small group leaders). The handbook is certainly something I can dig up, if you think it would be worth the time. When our pastors in New Jersey were caught in adultery, Steve Kelly himself came up and gave a "talk" wherein he said anyone who went against him or the elders was using witchcraft and manipulation to divide the church, and to have nothing to do with them. Also, when I had a disagreement with the pastor earlier in my time there, my wife and I were shunned until we "repented" and apologized to the pastor and then publicly for having "gone astray". No, we didn't sin—we literally just disagreed with and spoke up about it to the pastors directly. For that we were branded "rebellious" and "arrogant", and people were told we were "working through things" and we "needed to be left alone". Further, our pastor's wife (also considered a pastor) spoke on being a "Prodigal". She equated the story of the Prodigal Son in the bible to the idea that a person sometimes makes bad choices, turns away from the church (read: gets kicked out), and cannot be contacted at all until they are pitifully begging for forgiveness, at the end of their rope and totally broken. My wife personally was contacted by a former church member once (who we did not know was kicked out) and, upon asking her small group leader about what to do, was told NOT to respond to the former church member and to ignore her so she wouldn't be "sucked into her hurtful world", or something of that sort.  I know of a particular ex-military leader who once participated at many Wave Network events as a speaker. He once questioned something Steve Kelly said whilst at a Network Pastor's Breakfast, was reprimanded, and then was ostracized by all of the pastors in the network over the next 6 months. Effectively, no one had him speak any longer at any of their events or churches, and he was forced to find another outlet for his ministry. When he called to ask Steve Kelly what happened, he was gruffly refused by the administrative staff and told that Steve Kelly didn't have time for his phone calls. This is all common practice among the Wave Network churches (and Hillsong churches, for that matter), Wave itself, and our former church. It is almost exclusively the reason for the label "cult", frankly, though there are a number of other reasons which more than qualify the "churches" for such a moniker. Hope this helps! Frank

This link sends you to Frank Rue's Disconnect Church blog. It mostly covers The Connect Church, which is part of the Wave Network, but many of the issues are the same.

This link sends you to Frank Rue's Diakonos blog. Plenty of posts here are well worth the read. Of particular interest, in regards to this topic, is his Cult of Personalities post.

Sinners in the Hands of a Fluffy Teddy Bear

What if Jonathan Edwards was a seeker-sensitive pastor? His famous sermon might have sounded something like this...

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. [John 3:16]

In this verse is threatened the love of God on everybody. We are all God's visible people, living under grace. The expression I have chosen for my text, God so loved, seems to imply the following things:

1. God loves you.

2. God loves you.

3. God loves you.

4. God loves you.

Let it be dually noted that this passage is very, very beautiful, and sounds so very nice, so much so that we can forgo all the passages that come after it, and simply focus on this one verse, nay, those two words "God loved" and harp on it until the rotting horse is itself beaten into the ground. As far as I'm concerned, you can throw out the whole Bible.

There is no want in God to cast wicked men into hell at any moment - that's just a horrible thought that offends anyone. He not only wants to bring people up to heaven, but he can easily do it. Sometimes an old man finds it hard to go up the stairs. It is not so with God. There is no stairs or escalator too difficult for the power of God to get us up. God's enemies quickly become his friends, and they become together in union. His love is like cool rain on a hot day, and we are like little stuffed animals which he desires to cast onto his bed so he can cuddle up with them later.

Everyone deserves to go to heaven. Divine justice? That won't get in the way. That just means God makes things better. Justice, in fact, calls aloud for the infinite reward of everyone on earth. Divine justice says of the tree that brings forth such grapes of Sodom: "What a lovely tree! I'm gonna hug it!" The sword of divine justice is nothing but another name for the mercy of God, and really deserves to be called the flower of divine justice.

There is plenty of security for people on earth, and no harm will come to you. Though man is on the brink of eternity, that means nothing to God, and unconverted men can easily be converted in life or death. In fact, unconverted men walk over the pit of hell as if it were an iron door, covered in grass and beautiful flowers. There is no danger of falling. God has so many different unsearchable ways of getting everyone to heaven, and there is nothing to appear that God had need to send anyone to hell.

The love of God is like great loving waters of loving love, and they increase more and more, rise higher and higher, so rapid and mighty its course. Love, love, exciting and new. You'd feel God's great love now, only he's decided to hold it back by his mere pleasure. If God withdrew his hand from the flood-gate, it would immediately fly open, and all that love would come pouring out. His love is ten times greater than that of your boyfriend or greatest honey. It is just love. Lovey love love.

The bow of God's love, like the bow of cupid, is bent, and the arrow made ready on the string, and love bends the arrow at your heart, and fires away with a little heart-shaped arrowhead. You might be worried about judgment, but it's OK. You've probably reformed your life in many things, and may have had religious affections, and may keep up a form of religion in your families and closets, and in the house of God...and that's perfectly fine. That's good enough. Peace and safety, now you see that this is what is promised to you: peace and safety. As present as the thin air which you breathe.

The God that holds you close to his bosom, much as one holds a fluffy teddy bear, or some cute puppy dog or adorable cat, loves you, and is dreadfully in love with you. His love towards you burns like a steaming hot tub of warm water. He looks upon you as worthy of nothing else but to be thrown up to heaven, in fact you are ten times more righteous in his eyes than you may believe. You don't have to worry about offending him, in fact it is only by his desire that you aren't in his bosom already. And there is no other reason to be given, why you have not been taken into his arms since you arose in the morning, but that God's been busy lately. Yeah, there is nothing else that is to be given as a reason why you do not this very moment get into a warm cozy hug.

O poor, sad person! Consider how mean it is to be mean to others! Being mean is like a furnace of wrath and a bottomless pit! Be a nice person, and in that way you'll be mediator and be able to save yourself with no help from anyone at all. Everything you do, everything you have done, and everything that you can do will induce God to spare you, though he's probably spared you already.

Therefore, let every one who has a vague concept of God now embrace the love which God has. The love of God is no doubt hanging over everyone in this congregation, if not the whole wide world. Let every one fly out like a hummingbird to get their honey.