Empty Womb - Empty Tomb

Some of you know that my wife and I were expecting our second child. We were about six weeks along.

Last Friday, our child was lost in a miscarriage.

There had been spotting, but with our last birth there had been spotting. There had been pains, but that doesn't automatically mean anything bad. Then my wife woke up Friday morning, with a bloodied pad and a blood clot. We went to the OB-GYN, and they did some tests. In the end, they confirmed our worse fears - the thing which I was hoping and praying wasn't true, all along the way, even up until the moment when the doctor walked into the room with the test results and a sad tone in his voice... they confirmed that our child was gone.

The worst part for me was that there wasn't even a meeting. There wasn't a visible connection. There was no "cute little peanut" with a heartbeat like I experienced with our daughter. There was no stillborn body to hold in my hands. There had been seen a developing sack in the womb at a previous ultrasound when my wife had gallbladder issues two weeks ago... but I hadn't been present, and now... now, as I watched the nurse use the ultrasound on Mary this afternoon, I saw nothing but an empty womb.

That was it. A pregnancy test, and some blood. Not even a shape to see, or a gender to attach a name to. Nothing but an empty womb. That was my fatherhood in this relationship.

The grief for all of us was been overwhelming. Both my wife and I have cried sporadically throughout the day. Even our poor three-year old daughter, who initially took it well when we explained it to her that the baby had "passed away" in mommy's womb, and what "passing away" meant, suddenly began to cry at bedtime and told us, "I miss the baby." On my end, I found myself thinking so little of my role as a father. Everyone talks about how their daddy is Superman, and my daughter's been telling others I'm her hero. At that moment, I saw myself as no hero. I'm no Superman - Superman actually saves people. I couldn't save my own child. I couldn't help my wife. I couldn't make a miracle. All I could do was make a few phone calls to close family members.

There is grief in my life, but even with the grief, I have hope. I have hope because I know whether life ends inside the womb or outside, this is not the end. There is a holy and just God, and what's more I know that He keeps His covenant promises with His people. There is a promise of a world to come, a world made right, and of a glorious resurrection, all centered around Christ's redemptive work on the cross, and this promise is said towards believers to be "for you and your children" (Acts 2:39). This is the promise of a God who took on flesh and Himself experienced death on the cross, before rising again as the firstfruits of the resurrection. The same God who said "I am the resurrection and the life" (John 11:25) likewise said of little children "the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these" (Matt 19:14).

We've shared this truth with my daughter: that God not only watches over His sheep in their passing, but that someday, all will be meeting again, with new bodies and even greater faith. My wife and I even agreed on a name for the child: Charlie, a name that could work for a boy or girl (yes, I've known a few girls named Charlie), since we never discovered the gender. I wanted to name our child, because I want to know what to call them when we meet again on the day of resurrection, when God's flock are called together, and father and child can be reunited. As much as I've wept over the shock and grief that this has given, I also know that God is sovereign, and that whatever happens, it is not the end, but we look forward to a greater hope, with the knowledge that "the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us" (Rom 8:18).

What's more, I know that no matter what may occur, my sins are covered, and I stand right before God. "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1). I cannot turn away from my Lord and King even at this hour of need, for how often could He have turned away from me, when I proved a fickle and stupid lamb? How much has He shown love for me even when I at times spat at Him through my words and deeds? It is therefore that I can sing with Horatio Spafford, who wrote these words as his boat floated over the spot where all four of his daughters drowned: "My sin oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! / My sin, not in part, but the whole / Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more / Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!"

It is this same kind, glorious King that I know I will someday worship together with my lost child, along with the saints. Therefore, as much as I grieve over the sight of the empty womb, I rest in the assurance given by the empty tomb.

A message to the "See why I faved you" people

On Twitter, there are some accounts which randomly fave Tweets. When you see the notification, the account name is simply "See why I faved you." There is a link in the profile to a website that is basically giving a gospel message. To the people who own these accounts, I want to say:

Please, please, please, please stop it.

Don't misunderstand that I am against evangelism. Look at my other blog posts and podcasts, and you'll see I'm all for winning the lost and speaking truth in love, even if someone is violently opposed to the truth. I'm all for being a witness, even if it's on social media. I'm not one of those "Let's pretend there's peace between God and those who oppose Him" people.

However, these things are just annoying. For one, there's nothing personal about them. It's just "Hey, look at this!" Some people criticize handing out tracts as impersonal, but at least with tracts you're engaging in a person one on one, and speaking with them. For another, I get the feeling there is no rhyme or reason with the faving, and some of these accounts may involve the use of bots or third party programs. Heck, my Twitter account has received them - I'm already a Christian, people! You don't need to win my soul, God has already done that for me. In the end, this trend is really just a Christian version of automated Twitter messages.

This isn't being a witness for God, it's just being annoying.

Granted, I understand this is the internet. You can't control what people do. I don't expect there to be a sudden drop in these things simply because I wrote this one blog post. Consider this post as nothing more than a rant and a call for reason. If you want to witness to people on social media, do it by presenting the Gospel as best is possible in whatever outlet you are using. However, do it in a way that doesn't make the other person feel like they are Bot Victim #241. Thank you.

Just a little note on my blog and podcast

As some of you have noticed, I haven't updated in a while. It's not because I have nothing to talk about, or I've lost interest in doing this. It's simply that I've been busy in my real life, with the approaching birth of my firstborn child, as well as being busier than normal at my day job.

However, things will pick up again once things are back in order, and I still tweet every now and then. In the meantime, prayers for my daughter would be appreciated.

First Book Published!

I have self published a historical fiction book which is now available in print and Kindle at Amazon. It's entitled More Precious than Jewels, and is a story which takes place in fifteenth century Italy. I intended it to be a story of biblical womanhood, inspired largely by my wife, who wanted such a story and was the model I used for the main character. From the description:

Fifteenth century Italy, and the entire peninsula finds itself in one of the largest wars it has seen since the Roman Empire. For a young mountain girl named Francesca, the war is far away and has no meaning for her...until her estranged husband departs to join the mercenaries. She is left alone, struggling to find her place in their relationship.

Then, she discovers a clue that her husband may truly love her. She leaves her small, isolated village and journeys northward in the hopes of finding her husband and rekindling her marriage.

Her journey will take her from convents to cathedrals, hamlets to cities. She will encounter pilgrims and cardinals, peasants and knights. She will come to know the kind and the cruel - and some who are the sheer embodiment of evil. There will be times when she will have nothing left to give her strength, save her faith in God.

Here are the links to the two forms of media:

To the print edition.

To the kindle edition.

Thirty Years

Today, I have left the 20's, and have hit the big three-oh. What can I say after all this time? There are so many blessings to look back upon.

I thank God for His providence, and for His care and discipline, which has sanctified me over time, turning me from a child of God into a man of God.

I thank God for my wife, who is one of the greatest gifts in my life. I likewise thank Him for the blessing and the fruit currently growing in her womb.

I thank God, most of all, for the fact that He has permitted me to not only live 30-years in this brief moment of life, but that, before anything else, He has called me into His flock. I thank God the Father for His love for me before my existence. I thank God the Son for justifying me on the cross, paying the price for every one of my sins which I could not pay, nor ever hope to pay. I thank God the Holy Spirit for securing and marking me for the day of resurrection, when I shall be found holy and blameless before God.

Whether or not I live 30 more years or 30 more seconds from this blog post, I thank God that He has shown His grace, mercy, and love upon me, a miserable sinner.

When Willful Ignorance Hits Close to Home

I've met a lot of people who bore what I call "willful ignorance." That is, they've received correction, and don't want to reform. They've been told what is light and what is darkness, and they still refuse to come to the light. They have the truth right in front of them, and they still refuse to believe it. I know full well that no argument alone can win a soul. I know that. I realize that a person's regeneration comes only by the will of God (Jn 1:12-13) - again, I know all that.

All the same, it gets hard when that realization hits a bit close to home. When family or friends are the ones displaying it. It gets even harder when you have immense respect and love for the individual, and you just want to shake them and say to them "Wake up!" You want to ask why they can be so intelligent and well rounded in certain areas, and yet such a dunderhead with this topic.

I recall once a story by Christian apologist James White, who, after a debate, got into a discussion with a passionate Roman Catholic over sola scriptura and related subjects. After blowing every argument he made out of the water, the guy threw his hands up and said, "Well look, you're the apologist, not me." Then sometime later, James White was headed out, and saw the man talking with someone else on the same subject. As he was passing by, James White overheard him making the exact same arguments he had made before. It's easy for us to hear a story like that and say, "Wow, that's really sad for that individual." It's hard, however, when we know that such a person is someone we consider a friend, or know as a family member. It's not easy to dismiss or disregard. It gets painful, and hurtful really.

It's a reminder, one might suppose, that we should treat all men like friends and family when it comes to the Gospel. It's a reminder that we should remember even those who are stubborn against the truth with whom we have no relation should be treated with respect, and should be given the truth of God no less than those we know personally. Whether its a random individual online, an in person encounter, a friend, or a family member, all who are without the truth need He who is Truth. God bless.

Podcast: Why I Left Eastern Orthodoxy

In this episode, I do some "house cleaning" and explain why I left the Eastern Orthodox church after being a convert into it. Apologies for the way I sound - I was getting over a cold when I recorded this.

Podcast: Two Sermonettes

In this episode of the podcast, I simply share two "sermonettes" I had done for a local church I attended in Kansas City, MO. One covers the Wise Thief on the cross, while the other covers the temptations of Christ in the wilderness.

Podcast: Guided by Grace

Here is the latest podcast episode. In this one, my wife joins me to discuss her testimony, talking of her going from Roman Catholicism to true repentance and faith in Christ.

My Testimony at Long for Truth

A few days ago, I was interviewed on the podcast Long for Truth about my spiritual journey (and what a journey it was to say the least). If you'd like to hear it, always wondered what I sounded like, or you wonder how many times a person can say "you know" in 45-minutes time, here is the link to the podcast below.

The Blessing of a Blessed Wife

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD. [Proverbs 18:22]

My church has been going through the book of Proverbs, and last Sunday touched on many of the verses dealing with marriage and finding the "perfect" spouse. This verse was cited, and while the sermon was, for the most part, aimed at those who were single or in the state of courtship, I was still able to do some meditating on this verse and my recent marriage.

In this verse, it is said that he who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord. In the first section, two "finds" are stated: he who finds a wife (obviously in the context, a good one) will find a good thing. The "good thing" (the familiar Hebrew word tov) refers to something that is good, pleasurable, and fortunate, especially in the eyes of God. The parallel line then states that one who does such "receives what is pleasant" (in the original Hebrew) from the Lord - the noun for pleasant (ratson) refers here, contextually, to the pleasure one finds in all aspects of marriage. The verse is stating that the good wife, and all that is pleasant in the marriage with her, is a gift from God to the man.

Compare this verse with a "contrast" verse: "The mouth of a forbidden woman is a deep pit; he with whom the LORD is angry will fall into it" (Pr 22:14). The NASB reads "he who is cursed," which is a more literal translation. The ESV is attempting to capture the passive participle associated with God, hence the NET's rendering of "the one against whom the LORD is angry." The point is that men who are inclined towards spiritual wickedness will be judged by God with the arrival of wicked women in their lives. Keep in mind that this proverb is not saying all women are evil or inherently evil, nor that the men are off the hook for their own sin. Both parties are guilty: the forbidden woman for her lifestyle, and the man with whom the Lord is angry for his love of such a lifestyle.

As I wrote in a previous post, I had, in the past, often pursued such "forbidden women." The blame for these endeavors is, of course, placed squarely on myself, and it was only by the intervention of God through His providence that I did not fall into the snare which was laid for me. Instead, God had a very different kind of woman in mind for me - He had a godly woman, who could support me emotionally as well as spiritually, and care for me with the heart of a caregiver. She was someone I could not only go to church with, but could grow with together and edify with what little skill the Lord has given me in being able to do so.

And now, as we are fast approaching two months of married life, I look back and realize that God's care and providence has truly shown His sanctifying love for me as His child, and I see that every time I see the love my wife has for me. God bless you, dear.

A Woman Who Fears the Lord

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. [Proverbs 31:30]

I pray to the Lord with many thanks, because He has blessed me with a woman who has all three traits. And today, she has become my wife.

Bless you, my darling, and I love you.

What a man wants

As this post suggested, I recently became engaged to a wonderful daughter of God. I had spent the months leading up to the proposal questioning whether or not she was the perfect woman for me, and if I would truly be happy spending the rest of my life with her. Were we a good match? Did we share similar interests? Could I depend on her to be my lifelong support? Would we be able to support one another? This also got me thinking about the mentality of those who seek a loved one, and all that pertains.

The apostle Paul once wrote: "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways" (1 Cor 13:11). Of course, he was speaking in this verse of spiritual maturity, but in many ways this is true of our attitude and maturity in other areas. In regards to romance and a lifelong partner, there is often a difference between what a man may want, and what he truly needs. In my job as a graphic designer for a news station, I often recognize that there can be a world of difference between what a news producer wants for a graphic, and what they actually need for a graphic. In a similar fashion, a man may have an idea of what he wants in a woman, and yet fail to grasp what he needs in a woman.

When I was younger, the woman I wanted was different than the woman I wanted now. I was seeking empty satisfaction in both the physical and emotional departments. I was desperate to fill in the void that had been there in my life, and didn't care what it was I used to fill that void. It was like someone who was hungry, and desired to fill it with readily available junk food rather waiting for more nutritious food. This led me down some very dangerous paths, and, even in the youthful days of my faith, introduced me to some very dangerous women. I came to know all too well the words of Solomon when he writes: "The mouth of forbidden women is a deep pit; he with whom the LORD is angry will fall into it" (Prov 22:14).

As I matured in my faith, God grew me from a child of God into a man of God, and made me realize my need for a woman of God. First and foremost, I realized I needed a believing, God-fearing woman - I could not engage in a relationship with a non-believer, insomuch as I would engage in "missionary dating." I needed a woman with whom I could go through scripture and not worry about controversies. I wasn't looking for a walking theological catechism, nor did I desire a woman who saw eye-to-eye with me 100%, but wanted as close a theological match as possible.

Physical appeal and attraction became somewhat secondary - not that they were thrown out entirely, but rather they were removed from the pedestal I had placed them. Not every woman has the elegance of Audrey Hepburn nor the appeal of Christina Hendricks, only because Hepburn's elegance was matched by Hepburn, and Hendricks' appeal is matched by Hendricks. The vast majority of woman have elegance and attraction that belongs to them and them alone. It is unjust to hold one woman up to another woman's standards and ignore how her elegance and attraction belong to her alone. Likewise it is unjust to ignore her other traits. I had realized, by the sanctification of God, that such "other traits" do exist. I realized - again, by the sanctification of God - that those "other traits" far outweighed what I had previously believed to be important. As scripture states: "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised" (Prov 31:30).

I should pause here a moment to alert the reader that they should not confuse this for "settling." That is, I am not saying a person should enter the mindset, "Well, I found a person who likes me, I guess that's good enough," nor even, "Hey, she's a believer - good enough for me." There's a difference between seeking what you need and just settling for what you have. I might compare this to a boy who desires to own a car as he grows up: at a youthful age, he wants a cool looking sports car like the ones on his favorite action movie or cartoon show; at his more mature age, he realizes there is more to a car than looks, and gradually he begins to want a car with good gas mileage, a good warranty, a good engine lifespan, and the like. Eventually the boy, now a man, chooses a car that has the latter options rather than the former. This does not mean the boy has "settled" - it means the boy's understanding of the car he needs is now more mature, and he is basing his decisions off this more mature understanding.

What a man truly needs in a woman is someone to be "bone of his bone" and "flesh of his flesh," with whom he can become "one flesh" (Gen 2:23-24). The man needs a woman with whom he can be physically comfortable (cf. 1 Cor 7:1-5). The man needs a woman with whom he can educate his children (cf. Prov 1:8). The man needs a woman that he can love, care for, and edify, just as Christ loves for, cares for, and edifies the church (Eph 5:25-30). The man needs a woman with whom he can enjoy the rest of his life (cf. Ecc 9:9). All this is important, hence why the word of God says: "An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels" (Prov 31:10).
------------------
The above image is an edited version of Dante and Beatrice by Henry Holiday. 

Here's to you, Mister Wesley

The following is based off the poem "Fuzzy-Wuzzy" by Rudyard Kipling.

I've read books written by men who could think,
Who could turn theology into art:
That Edwards and that Bunyan and that Pink;
But John Wesley was the first to win my heart.
The world was his pulpit from which he preached
So it was from the day his heart was warmed,
It was from God's word that he did teach,
Despite all the blows taken from Satan's swarm.

So here's to you, Mister Wesley, in the bosom of Abraham;
Sure you were Arminian, but a first-class godly man;
Someday we'll give a praise to God, perhaps a hymn we'll sing
I'll have to wait until the morn we're dining with the King.

One day I referenced your written word.
A girl took note, and it made her smile.
She told me bluntly that she hadn't heard
Any Calvinist quote you in quite a while.
My love grew then on as deep as the sea
Just as that Elkanah adored his Hannah;
Until I, ring in hand, dropped to my knee
At the foot of your statue in Savannah.

So here's to you, Mister Wesley, and your brother Charles too,
There's no man whose saved by works, but you did more than most do.
For now you rest with saints; you don't know your impact on my life;
See, God still had a use for you, Mister Wes - you hooked me up a wife!

Dedicated to a Daughter of God

This post is dedicated to a special woman in my life. Today, April 26, is her birthday, so I thought this would be as good a day as any to write this. I won't say her name because she knows who she is, and most of those who know me in real life know who she is as well, so it won't be necessary to give it here.

We first met on a Christian networking site sometime last year. She had seen something I had written about John Wesley, and she wrote to me and said I was the first Calvinist she had encountered who read John Wesley and wasn't ashamed to share it with others. We began to chat on Skype, and found that we seemed to have a lot in common, and these commonalities grew the more and more we got to know each other. We were both in our mid-20's, we were both believers, and we were both Reformed - all of which is very rare these days. We both enjoyed reading on the personal lives of theologians, and enjoyed even more studying and expositing scripture. It was refreshing for me to be able to open the Bible and go through a chapter with a woman, all the while not be worried about saying something that would turn her away.

Finally, we decided to meet in person and see where things led us. As it turned out, we got along well, and there seemed to be more of a connection than we realized. For example, I found out that she loved board games, even strategy board games. Around Easter this year we played about three rounds of Stratego - and when she told me she had always wanted to play Axis and Allies, well I just about squealed! We also both love older movies: we spent one night eating Chinese food while watching the Gary Cooper war classic Sergeant York, and we spent the night before Easter watching the wonderful film The Greatest Story Ever Told.

There's more, of course. She's a lovely daughter of God, and is someone who wants to live after her heavenly Father as much as an earthly father would want his daughter to do so. She practices what she preaches, and the only thing she looks for in a man is someone whose heart is likewise after God. Why she chose me, then, I do not know. I only see myself in the lowest opinion - the foremost of sinners, as Paul saw himself (1 Tim 1:15) - but in her eyes I am a wonderful man. In many ways, she makes me feel like one. I have never met any one like her who can not only make me feel wanted and loved, but she is able to make me feel better in a matter of moments. She can say a single thing, and the worst day is turned around almost immediately. No woman I have ever known has made me feel the way she makes me feel.

More importantly, she is a wonderful, shining example of God's love. She is so kind and forgiving to me, even when I really don't deserve it. I am in no ways a perfect man, and I do not always feel like the right man for her, and I feel that often I can treat her better than I really do. Despite this, she forgives me of my faults, and she loves me all the same no matter what trouble or speed bump we go through. At times I've come to tears because of the overwhelming realization of how much better a child of God she was than me, combined with the feeling that I am really undeserving of her and yet the Lord has gifted her to me any way. For this reason above all others I love with her with all my heart, and pray that our relationship only continues to blossom.

In short, I might compare her and I with our Lord and the man possessed by Legion. Why? Because she knows every demon inside me, and yet, at the end of the day, she doesn't hesitate to say she loves me.

God bless you, and I love you.

When Christians Trust in an Arm of Flesh

As the American election season draws closer and closer to voting day, I find that I seem to have a problem bonding with brothers and sisters who are more politically motivated that I am. Usually the conversation goes something like this:

Person: "Oh wow! You have to look more into this candidate! They're so amazing! They're going to save our country! Go to their website! Read their book!"
Me: "No thanks."
Person: "Why not? Don't you care?"
Me: "I do care, I just trust God more."

This is usually followed by me being accused of being something equal to a fatalist, but I wouldn't say I'm a fatalist. It's just when it comes to politics, I'm simply a cynic. The original Cynics, of course, were ancient Greek philosophers who were known for being doubtful of government, religious, and social bodies doing any good for humanity. Once upon a time I was very big into politics and political thought, but over time - as I observed what could only be described as stupidity exercising equal opportunity - I began to doubt the capabilities of the political machine. As I became more and more mature in my understanding of a Christian worldview, I likewise began to become cynical towards the idea that a man-made structure completely inhabited by fallible men could, on its own, do any great amount of good. It's not that I don't vote, and it's not that I don't have opinions on certain topics - it's simply that I don't see any reason to give passionate devotion to what appears to be an inherently flawed system made of individuals who themselves are inherently flawed.

I said, all this isolates me from my more political brothers and sisters. Republican Christians become upset with me because I don't trust the government enough. Libertarian Christians get upset with me because I trust the government too much. Democrat Christians get upset with me because I question their salvation. The Communists, Socialists and Anarchists...well, they're a special breed altogether. In any case which might come up, I tend to isolate myself when the political cynicism appears.

In all these conversations, I can't help but notice that the greatest hostility seems to come in regards to God's sovereignty in the midst of elections and political actions. When I bring up that I trust God will still be in control regardless of who wins the election or what our government does, people seem to lash out at such a notion. It will either be interpreted as putting too much emphasis on God's control or too little emphasis on man's involvement in the affairs of the world.

On this point, it is simply astounding that, for many people, God seems to permit complete and utter freedom among political bodies. He controls hurricanes, He aids individuals in their individual life problems, and even offers salvation for all mankind...but assistance in a political election? Whoa! Wait a minute now, that's going too far! It is no wonder then that so many of the hyper-political Christians I talk to, when they switch topics from politics to theology, seem to espouse what can only be described as deism. Many don't like this label being applied to them, but this is what one comes to when following their theology through to its logical conclusion. They believe God's there, yes...but He's far away. He won't meddle in the affairs of the mortal children and their elections.

Some responses are even more peculiar. I covered in another post an interesting argument where the person essentially said that yes, in olden times God controlled the fate of kingdoms...but democracy was that one form of government He could not touch, since there were no kings. Logically speaking, of course, that meant man had discovered and instituted a form of government that completely eludes God's sovereign will. Man in essence one-upped God, and God is up in heaven waving his fists and crying out, "Curse you and your democracy!"

The root of all this may be that many who call themselves Christian today are placing their trust in an arm of flesh. The term "arm of flesh" is from 2 Chronicles 32:8, where King Hezekiah says regarding Sennacherib of Assyria: "With him is an arm of flesh, but with us is the LORD our God, to help us and to fight our battles." To many self-proclaimed Christians today, the good that comes down to society must come down from Washington, not from heaven. This goes for both liberals and conservatives: liberals believe religion has no place in government and that the people must look to the government for the needs of the people; conservatives believe that all those who believe in deity must band together to get the government back on track, and whether this fellowship involves solely Christians or Christians along with Jews, Muslims, Mormons or otherwise is irrelevant.

Both of these beliefs have two things in common: 1) they throw emphasis on human institutions over God; 2) they are an entirely horizontal view of society and God. That is, they are both views of theology that deal solely with human interaction within government. Liberals demand that humans bring about change through the government, whereas conservatives demand believers band together to bring about change in the government. God has no real place in these two systems, for He is unwanted in the one and minimalized in the other. Our trust either way is not truly on God, but on ourselves first and foremost and secondarily on our government. Our trust, therefore, is in an arm of flesh.

So in 2012 Americans will go out and vote, and we will have either the same president as before or a new president altogether. Some good might come from it, some bad, maybe both. In either case, I'm not terribly concerned about what will occur. God will still be in control, despite how high our voting participation is or how qualified the candidate is who wins. There will still be one God reigning in heaven and on earth, and the church will still be made up of His people, regardless of borders, nationalities or political parties. God bless.

Living on a Prayer

This sums up my life about now. Soli Deo Gloria.

Of Cats and Providence

Early last week, I received word from family members that Kitty, the family cat, had died. Those who have read my blog posts already know Kitty, as I used him as a subject to make LOLcat-style images here and over at the Sola Saturated blog here. Some might also remember that in a post on my old blog - done in memory of the family Saint Bernard, Winston - I described how Kitty looked out for Winston in his last days.

These past few weeks have seen me experience some severe disappointments, and Kitty's death was the worst of them all. Even though he was approaching 12 years of age, he still seemed as strong and chipper as ever. He seemed so invincible: he fought off foxes, chased raccoons up trees, hunted down chipmunks, and got the two dogs that lived in our house to do whatever he bid them to do. What's more, he was always one of the family, and though he often put on a tough guy persona, he was still a sweetheart. He enjoyed company, and if you started talking to him, he would begin to purr. I still remember one time stumbling on the stairs and hurting my foot; suddenly I heard a "mwrr" sound and saw Kitty running around the corner, as if to make sure I was OK.

In truth, though, there was a time before when I almost thought we had lost him. Some years ago Kitty went missing for fourteen days, but came back safe and sound, if not seemingly hurt and malnourished. He quickly healed up and continued living with us for many more years. During those fourteen days, I had prayed that God would bring him back, and spare him, and I had prayed it during these last few weeks of Kitty's life. However, it was not to be. This time, God would take Kitty from us. As it was with Winston, it would be Kitty's time to go.

Yet God gave Kitty to us as much as He took him from us. We got Kitty from a litter of strays when he was as tiny as the palm of your hand and still very much a baby kitten. He provided us over a decade of happiness and provided Winston with a furry companion during our many moves and life experiences. He was a gift, but when we recognize that God giveth, we have to likewise acknowledge that He taketh away (cf. Job 1:20).

It's easy for us to attribute the good in life to God and ignore the bad. When a person hears Joseph say to his brothers "you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good" (Gen 50:20), everyone leaps and embraces the "God meant it for good" part. No one wants to tackle the "you meant evil" part, because in doing so they have to recognize that the brothers' plot to sell Joseph into slavery, kill an animal, bathe Joseph's coat in its blood, and then lie to their father, causing years of grief and misery for an old man...that all of that happened by God's ordained purpose. When Joseph says God meant it for good, the it is in reference to all the evil his brothers committed against him and their father.

It's likewise easy for us to think of the crucifixion, think about how noble it was, and how grand the resurrection was for God and the church, and forget the words of Acts 4:27-28: "For truly in this city there were gathered together against Your holy servant Jesus, whom You anointed, both Herod and Pontius Pilate, along with the Gentiles and the peoples of Israel, to do whatever Your hand and Your purpose predestined to occur." All that happened during the passion of our Lord, God had predestined to occur. This means that God personally arranged it, set it up, and controlled it through to the end. There was no chance for, at zero hour, Pilate to say, "Forget it, release him." There was no chance for angels to sweep in and rescue Jesus a la a kind of divine Entebbe raid. All that was to occur...the betrayal of a disciple, the rejection of the Messiah by His fellow Jews, the abuse of the Messiah at the hand of foreign soldiers, the horrifying and embarrassing execution, the sight of all this before family and friends...was predestined by God to occur. Yet it was all done by His providence for the good of His people.

When Paul writes "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God" (Rom 8:28), we forget that "all things" doesn't just mean the good. However, we often expect only good from God, and forget that oftentimes we are disciplined and chastised for our benefit (cf. Rev 3:19). We expect the "work together for good" to come before the "all things," but forget that this is not how the apostle ordered the events in his epistle.

Some might wonder if such tragedies lead me towards the temptation of atheism. The truth is, while the temptation has come and gone, it has never set foot. I credit this not to any intellectual skill or personal effort, but entirely on the grace of our Lord. God has planted within me a knowledge that He does exist, and if I know there is a Divine Being, I must reason with evil and divine responsibility as C.S. Lewis and many before him did. When dealing with tragedy, pain and God's responsibility, I often lead people through this dilemma:

When evil happens, God either: 1) did not know about it ahead of time, and therefore is neither omniscient nor omnipotent; 2) knew about it ahead of time and simply did nothing, in which case He is guilty of gross negligence; 3) knew about it ahead of time, permitted it to happen, and had no reason for it, in which case He is wicked; 4) knew about it ahead of time, permitted it to happen, and let it happen for a reason.

The reason, of course, that "good" it was meant for that Joseph spoke about, may not become apparent - it didn't become apparent for Joseph until several years later. It may not be until decades that I learn what good comes from this, but I do believe that God permits all things for good. I am not an open theist, I do not believe in process theology and I am not a hyper-synergist who believes God only intercedes in the affairs of man when it might be a decent time to do so. I believe all things serve a purpose, and I believe God knows all events and is sovereign over all. Most of all, I know that in the end, no matter what happens, I will be like the wise thief on the cross: a justified sinner in paradise with our Lord, who was crucified for me that I might be there to glorify the bounteous nature of His grace.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Some personal reflections

I've been studying the Gospel of Matthew using with various commentaries, among them Matthew Henry's exhaustive work. While going through the temptations of Christ in the desert, in particular the second one atop the Temple, I read Matthew Henry's words: "God casts down, that he may raise up; the Devil raises up, that he may cast down..."

This gave me some time to contemplate on my experiences in the past two years, as well as my experiences recently, and how much it's changed dramatically. At the beginning of 2009 I had a full-time job, benefits, my own apartment, able to take care of myself, etc. Now, at the beginning of 2011, I have a part-time job, relying on benefits provided by my parents, renting a room, and surviving bit by bit. For a person in his mid-20's, that can be a great shock, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't lead to a few "quarter-life crisis" moments every now and then.

However, I have to put things in perspective: what, exactly, did I lose? When I graduated college I practically had comfortable living handed over to me, and almost overnight I had enough to live by along with a decent amount of disposable income. In truth, I wasted much of it while wallowing in the more comfortable aspects of my lifestyle. Coming to know Christ did not fully destroy that. Although I had experienced my intellectual conversion, it took a spiritual beating to get my heart in order.

A great deal of pride, self-reliance, and perhaps some self-love came with my journey through my first church. All that changed throughout the year of 2009 when I lost my job, lost my apartment, left the city I had lived in for three years, lost my car, and eventually lost my connection with those I knew in Eastern Orthodoxy. I lost everything that I had clung onto in my early years as a Christian. Indeed, they were everything that had fueled that pride and self-reliance. Life had changed so dramatically for me that it became a serious test of faith - just where was that God who was supposed to be there for me? Christ had rebuked the storm in the Sea of Galilee, yet here I was, in the midst of my own storm, and it seemed to have increased into a hurricane. I prayed and yet situations grew worse. Was I praying to empty air? Was there really any truth for me to believe in? Why did I continue to suffer?

Yet I have now, by God's grace, been able to see much of the providence given to me by the Lord. No, I'm not in my own apartment, but I have a roof over my head which I help pay for, and in these Kansas City winters I cry out to God in thanks for that. No, I don't have a full-time job with benefits like I did before, but I have an income, and I make enough to survive, and for that I am grateful. Yes, I don't have the 2004 Dodge Neon, but I now drive a cute little 2010 Kia Rio5 that serves my needs. The first church I went to had a congregation in the hundreds, whereas my current church has membership that barely reaches forty...yet they are godly people, and they have welcomed me with open arms. I got all I could have ever wanted literally two days after graduation, and it was all taken from me just as quickly as it was given - yet now, gradually, over the past two years, things are starting to be rebuilt. None of the credit goes to myself, but rather I pass all glory and honor and praise to the Almighty God who has provided it for me. I still have a long way to go, and I know that God will have much more maturing in store. God has knocked me down, but He is building me back up, bit by bit, remodeling me into the person He desires.

What have I learned the most about my current situation? That it took me two years to learn to be a child of God...and now I am learning to be a man of God. Soli Deo gloria!

Ask Me Questions!

A friend suggested I do a "Why I am Reformed" post, explaining my transformation to Reformed theology. However, I wasn't sure how to write it, as I didn't want to turn it into another "Oh look at me" testimony kind of thing.

So I decided instead to have my readers send in questions to me, that way it will give me some direction and make it more personal. If you'd like to ask a question, be it friendly, confrontational, or otherwise, feel free to email me at:

spitfirepilot@gmail.com

Just put "WHY REFORMED?" in the title, with your question in the email body. I'll try to answer them in the finished post in a kind of Q&A fashion, and all questions shall remain anonymous.