Why the ESV is pure evil and you shouldn't use it

Ladies and gentlemen, I have come across some startling discoveries regarding the ESV translation. It was originally one of my favorite translations, just under the NASB. Now, however, I have received special revelation via making things up on the spot, and I have come to realize that the ESV is perhaps one of the most evil translations in the world. How evil is it? Well let's review the Official Evil Chart:

So as you can see, it's pretty evil. Maybe not the most evil, but it's pretty high up there. So why is it so evil? How do we know it should be avoided?

First, let's talk about the acronym: ESV. The official sources say that it stands for English Standard Version, but this is merely hiding the truth. You see, ESV backwards is VSE, which stands for Vienna Stock Exchange. It also stands for Vancouver Stock Exchange, as well as Vadodara Stock Exchange and Varaždin Stock Exchange. Why so many stock exchanges related to this acronym? That's because the ESV is a thinly disguised plant by the New World Order of bankers, seeking to take over the world. Don't believe me? Let's use some basic logic: you need money to buy an ESV; banks have money; Q.E.D., the ESV is connected to banks.

If you still don't believe me, you should know that the government, who is run by the banks, is responsible for the ESV as well, and is attempting to sneak sin and vice into our bibles by using the ESV translation. Let's take a look at this acrostic algebra, which is exactly the same methodology Christ and the apostles used when handling scripture:

Some of you are probably wondering, "Why the heck am I still reading this blog post?" Some of you might also be wondering, "What does 'SSN' stand for?" It's short for Social Security Number. You know, the number you need to provide for your job and basic forms of identity. The number every person needs to get along in life. You know...the mark of the beast.

Do you want to see something truly horrifying? Compare the logo of the ESV with the symbol of the Hindu faith. The truth may shock you, but if you look carefully...you'll see that the ESV logo is a thinly disguised version of the Hindu symbol. Don't believe me? Observe:

The ESV logo reveals that this entire translation is just a thinly disguised attempt to introduce eastern religions into Christianity. The fact that John Piper, a well known Hindu swami, is part of the advisory council for the translation board, makes this pretty obvious. They even got RC Sproul, a famous Shinto priest, to contribute. If you still aren't convinced, look at this passage from the ESV translation which I totally did not edit from the original wording:

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but get reincarnated a lot, possibly into a snail, or a cow if he's lucky." [John 3:16]

Heed my words: avoid the ESV - it is the devil's translation. Still don't believe me? Look at this other verse from the ESV, which I totally did not edit to leave out certain words to thus prove my point:

Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD...Satan... [Job 1:6]

See! It calls Satan "lord"! What kind of Bible translation calls Satan lord?! That's completely counterproductive to the whole purpose of the book! I bet Satan was on the advisory board. Hey wait a minute...look at this excerpt from a page listing those who had a hand in the ESV translation...

Dr. Luder G. Whitlock. President, Reformed Theological Seminary, Jackson, MS.
Dr. Tetsunao Yamamori. President, Food for the Hungry, Scottsdale, AZ.
Dr. Robert W. Yarbrough. Associate Professor of New Testament, Trinity Evangelical Divinity School, Deerfield, IL.
Rev. John W. Yates II. Rector, The Falls Church, Falls Church, VA.
Satan, Prince of Darkness, Hell, MI.

HOW MUCH MORE EVIDENCE DO YOU PEOPLE NEED?!

As I close my post, let me just say that this post is 100% serious and I love Akira Kurosawa films. One of those statements is true.

A Simple Review of the ESV App

About two months ago, I purchased an 8GB iPod Touch. At first I had great buyer's remorse coming from the sense that I was now $200 poorer, but eventually my remorse turned to joy as I found all the different ways I could use the device in my day-to-day life. As soon as I had formulated my iTunes account, I went about what I'm sure every person who buys an iPod Touch or iPad or iPhone does...scavenge the free apps! Yes, free. There are a ton of free apps that are quite helpful if you know how to look for them. I have a free app that keeps track of what I eat, another that allows me to read PDF documents, and another that can play police radios from most places in the world. There isn't an end to the possibilities out there, if you don't mind taking a few minutes to scour the iTunes search engine.

Of course, the big thing for me was finding a good Bible app. I wasn't looking for a walking library like e-Sword or Bible Desktop offer for your computer, but rather something that could be simple and easy to use at a moment's notice. That's when I came across the ESV app, designed and released by Crossway. It was free, it was well rated by users, and I already loved the ESV. Oh yes, and it was free. So I downloaded it.

The first thing that I noticed about the app was the immense ease at which one can browse God's word. Tapping on the screen will present the option to "Browse," and clicking on that button will give you the list of books in the Bible, which you can easily scroll by sliding your hand across the screen. Click on the book you want, and it will expand to all the chapters. Click on the chapter number you want, and it will bring you to the first verse. From there you can scroll with your fingers to the verse you want to see. You can either read it in page format (the iPod held up) or landscape format (the iPod held on its side, obviously).

As I said, this is an amazingly quick and easy way to browse. I often show this fact off to people by asking them to pick a random Bible verse for me to go to (this is usually uneventful because almost everyone picks John 3:16). One time I was on the phone talking to my good friend Steven on a biblical subject, and he said, "Go to this verse." Literally within seconds I was there - a few flicks of my finger and I was ready for him to continue. This was definitely an improvement over a paper Bible, which would have required me to flip several pages, find the book, then go to the verse, all of which would have taken several seconds more. Keep in mind I'm not condemning the use of paper Bibles (I still have all of mine), only that, if you're looking for something useful for quick referencing, then this app is helpful in that regard.

Other options are included besides merely reading the Bible. The ESV app also includes the ability to highlight verses, fave a verse, and write a note. Highlighting literally creates a yellow highlight around the verses you want to stand out, and the fave function adds a verse to your favorites. My only complaint regarding these two functions: when you go to the list of highlighted verses you'll see they're placed in chronological order; the favorite verses are not. Hopefully a later update of the app will improve on this.

The note function is helpful for those moments when you want to jot down something really quickly. I've often used it during church when the pastor said something edifying regarding a verse. Like the highlight and fave functions, the app saves a list of all your notes, and, like the highlight function (thankfully), it stores them in chronological order. My only advice: make sure people at your church know what you're doing, and in this regard I have a funny story. When I first went to the church I am now attending, I took out my iPod and started recording something interesting I had heard from the pastor. When I was showing off the ESV app to church members at the pot luck, the pastor's wife commented, "Oh! I thought you were texting someone!"

In terms of bugs or common errors, this app is solid for the most part. The only thing I did notice was a start-up crash: if you're holding your iPod sideways when you load the app, the app itself will crash. If you turn the iPod on its side after loading, then the app does not crash. Otherwise, the program runs perfectly fine.

What's the greatest thing about this? All that I have discussed is available offline. That's right - no internet connection is required to use this great app and all it's quirks. This makes it an excellent program for on the go or for those times when the world has been thrown into chaos and internet is not accessible any where. During my recent trek from Savannah to Kansas City, I kept my iPod Touch close at hand and used the ESV app to study scripture while stopping for lunch.

Overall, it's a free app that comes with many good qualities. I highly recommend this app to anyone with an iPod, iPhone, or iPad and looking for a good Bible software. Just remember what I said: make sure others in your church know what you're doing before you use it during service!