Why the ESV is pure evil and you shouldn't use it

Ladies and gentlemen, I have come across some startling discoveries regarding the ESV translation. It was originally one of my favorite translations, just under the NASB. Now, however, I have received special revelation via making things up on the spot, and I have come to realize that the ESV is perhaps one of the most evil translations in the world. How evil is it? Well let's review the Official Evil Chart:

So as you can see, it's pretty evil. Maybe not the most evil, but it's pretty high up there. So why is it so evil? How do we know it should be avoided?

First, let's talk about the acronym: ESV. The official sources say that it stands for English Standard Version, but this is merely hiding the truth. You see, ESV backwards is VSE, which stands for Vienna Stock Exchange. It also stands for Vancouver Stock Exchange, as well as Vadodara Stock Exchange and Varaždin Stock Exchange. Why so many stock exchanges related to this acronym? That's because the ESV is a thinly disguised plant by the New World Order of bankers, seeking to take over the world. Don't believe me? Let's use some basic logic: you need money to buy an ESV; banks have money; Q.E.D., the ESV is connected to banks.

If you still don't believe me, you should know that the government, who is run by the banks, is responsible for the ESV as well, and is attempting to sneak sin and vice into our bibles by using the ESV translation. Let's take a look at this acrostic algebra, which is exactly the same methodology Christ and the apostles used when handling scripture:

Some of you are probably wondering, "Why the heck am I still reading this blog post?" Some of you might also be wondering, "What does 'SSN' stand for?" It's short for Social Security Number. You know, the number you need to provide for your job and basic forms of identity. The number every person needs to get along in life. You know...the mark of the beast.

Do you want to see something truly horrifying? Compare the logo of the ESV with the symbol of the Hindu faith. The truth may shock you, but if you look carefully...you'll see that the ESV logo is a thinly disguised version of the Hindu symbol. Don't believe me? Observe:

The ESV logo reveals that this entire translation is just a thinly disguised attempt to introduce eastern religions into Christianity. The fact that John Piper, a well known Hindu swami, is part of the advisory council for the translation board, makes this pretty obvious. They even got RC Sproul, a famous Shinto priest, to contribute. If you still aren't convinced, look at this passage from the ESV translation which I totally did not edit from the original wording:

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but get reincarnated a lot, possibly into a snail, or a cow if he's lucky." [John 3:16]

Heed my words: avoid the ESV - it is the devil's translation. Still don't believe me? Look at this other verse from the ESV, which I totally did not edit to leave out certain words to thus prove my point:

Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD...Satan... [Job 1:6]

See! It calls Satan "lord"! What kind of Bible translation calls Satan lord?! That's completely counterproductive to the whole purpose of the book! I bet Satan was on the advisory board. Hey wait a minute...look at this excerpt from a page listing those who had a hand in the ESV translation...

Dr. Luder G. Whitlock. President, Reformed Theological Seminary, Jackson, MS.
Dr. Tetsunao Yamamori. President, Food for the Hungry, Scottsdale, AZ.
Dr. Robert W. Yarbrough. Associate Professor of New Testament, Trinity Evangelical Divinity School, Deerfield, IL.
Rev. John W. Yates II. Rector, The Falls Church, Falls Church, VA.
Satan, Prince of Darkness, Hell, MI.

HOW MUCH MORE EVIDENCE DO YOU PEOPLE NEED?!

As I close my post, let me just say that this post is 100% serious and I love Akira Kurosawa films. One of those statements is true.