Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

The Gospel of Hellraiser

For the background of this post, see the Twitter thread here and here.

***

Hellraiser is a 1987 horror film written and directed by Clive Barker, based off his novella The Hellbound Heart. It stars Andrew Robinson (who played the Scorpio Killer in Dirty Harry and Garak in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine). Since its initial release, Hellraiser has spawned a meager nine sequels, with the latest one set to come out this year. Like many horror films, Hellraiser explores the themes of evil, wickedness, and sin. Unlike most films in our degenerate culture, however, it's exploring these themes in surprisingly Christian ways.

From the very opening of the film, a Christian worldview is in sight. Frank Cotton is seen in a nameless Oriental market, speaking with an elderly Asian man. "What's your pleasure, Mr. Cotton?" the man asks. And so, with the very first words of the movie, we see what is driving the plotline: a reliance by man upon his fleshly desires. As the prophet Jeremiah warned, the human heart is "more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jer 17:9) How sick is it? We see this in the next scene, where Frank, in a strange ritual, unlocks the puzzle box... and is promptly attacked by hooks that dig into his flesh. Yet this sort of pain is what Frank wants. Frank is a character driven by sexual perversion. He never heeded the words of the apostle Paul to "make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts" (Rom 13:14), nor the words of the apostle Peter to "abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul" (1 Pet 2:11). When he speaks later of what motivated him to get the box, he explains: "It opens doors... Doors to the pleasures of heaven or hell - I didn't care which." In his seek for the pleasures of the flesh, he'd believed he'd gone to the limits, but knew there was more. As it happened, the Cenobites - demons who engage in sado-masochism - gave him something beyond limits. "Pain and pleasure indivisible." The Cenobites themselves are, as described by the Lead Cenobite (later nicknamed "Pinhead" by fans), considered "demons to some, angels to others." To Frank, and those of his similar mindset, what he's doing is perfectly right, because it satisfied him, even if what he's doing is revolting to conscious. His perversion is normality, and the Cenobites, though they desire the destruction of his soul, are heavenly angels. "All the ways of a man are clean in his own sight, but the Lord weighs the motives." (Pro 16:2)

After Frank's initial capture by the Cenobites, the film cuts to some time later (just as John often wrote "after these things"; John 5:1), and Larry, Frank's brother, moves into Frank's house with his second wife Julia. (Larry presumes his brother has gotten himself in a prison somewhere.) The Cotton family life is anything but stable: Larry's daughter Kirsty is growing more and more estranged, and Larry is trying to take away the tension between him and Julia, who does not have a servant's heart. For example, when they're moving in, one of the movers asks, "You got any beer?" Julia simply says, "There's some in the fridge." After an awkward moment of silence, Larry is forced to go get it himself, saying sarcastically, "I've got nothing better to do." Later on, it is revealed that, before Larry and Julia married, Julia and Frank started an adulterous relationship. When they move into the house, Julia finds old photos of Frank (including the more perverse ones) and keeps them for herself, fantasizing about their past relationship. Hence Julia is far from a Proverbs 31 woman, and it could not be said of her: "The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life" (Pro 31:11-12). When she encounters the resurrected Frank, she at once recommits to their adultery, and even engages in murder to assist his return to normal. At first, she's repulsed by her own acts, but over time she grows immune, and even learns to love it, to the point that things which used to offend her (eg., boxing) no longer have any effect.

These murders in and of themselves are worth pondering over. Julia goes to bars and picks up men, bringing them back to her house where she beats them with a hammer. She is like the harlot seen by Solomon; in fact, in one scene Kirsty sees Julia take one of the men to her house, and so fulfills the words of scripture: "I saw among the naive, and discerned among the youths a young man lacking sense, passing through the street near her corner; and he takes the way to her house" (Pro 7:7-8). Julia, by her slaying, fulfills the warning of Solomon regarding the adulteress: "Many are the victims she has cast down, and numerous are all her slain. Her house is the way to Sheol, descending to the chambers of death" (Pro 7:26-27).

You may have noticed I said earlier "the resurrected Frank." Yes indeed, resurrection carries a theme in this movie. While moving a bed upstairs, Larry cuts himself on an old nail, and drips blood into the floor of the attic. This blood seeps under the floor, where Frank's still beating heart lurks. This sets off a chain reaction in which Frank's body is quite literally resurrected from the ground. It's a long sequence, in which his skull, his bones, his muscles - everything - are reconstructed. Fingers regrow, organs are planted into him. It is a resurrection in every sense of the word - in fact, the musical track for the scene is known as "Resurrection." Yet this resurrection is incomplete: when it finishes, he is more like a dried corpse than a human being. Julia must kill and let him take the blood from the victims in order to become whole again. In this sense, just as the Cenobites are distortions of angels, so is this a distortion of true spiritual resurrection. "Behold, I am making all things new," Christ promised (Rev 21:5). Evil, however, cannot make anything truly new. It is always coming up short of God's glory and perfection. Hence, similarly, a sinful, evil resurrection can only make a dead body animated - it cannot make it truly alive.

The end of the film has the most infamous scene in the movie. Frank has killed Larry, and is now wearing his skin to be "complete." Evil cannot exist by itself - it must be a distortion of good. Kirsty, however, has tricked Frank into confessing what he did with the Cenobites nearby. ("You have been snared with the words of your mouth, have been caught with the words of your mouth"; Pro 6:2.) The Cenobites appear, and begin to capture Frank by latching hooks through every part of his flesh, to the point of stretching out his face. In the midst of this great agony and pain, Frank suddenly looks at Kirsty with a smile, licks his lips, and declares, "Jesus wept." He chuckles before the Cenobites literally tear him apart. The line is obviously a reference to John 11:35, the shortest line in all of scripture. In the DVD commentary for the film, Clive Barker explains that the script had originally said "F--- you," but Andrew Robinson improvised the line which made it into the scene. There is much speculation about what drove Robinson to choose that line, or how it relates to the film as a whole, but I think one theory perhaps sums it up best: while Jesus wept over the suffering of mankind, and his own suffering later on the cross, Frank embraces it. He wants it. He loves it. Despite his attempts to gain freedom into our world again, this was what we truly desired all along. The Cenobites can torture him all he wants, because it's the torture that makes him happy. Jesus wept; Frank laughs.

In many ways, Frank's death scene is an anti-Passion. Consider this.
  • He takes on flesh (albeit his brother's rather than his own).
  • He is betrayed by someone he trusts (his niece) into the hands of his enemies (the Cenobites)
  • He is tortured cruelly.
  • His arms are spread out, like one is during crucifixion. (His hands are even pierced, akin to Psalm 22:16.)
  • He is killed.
Lest we think the Cenobites have some good in them for killing Frank and hence avenging Larry, we must remember that, at the end, the Cenobites turn against Kirsty, and it is up to her to defeat them. Such a situation is seen in scripture: "I will put enmity between you and the woman" God said to the devil (Gen 3:15). At the very end of the film, a demon takes the box and flies into the sky, and it is next seen with the elderly Asian man again, who repeats his question from the beginning to a brand new customer: "What's your pleasure, sir?" Hence the cycle of sin is prepared to start again. "There is no remembrance of earlier things; and also of the later things which will occur," Solomon lamented, "there will be for them no remembrance among those who will come later still" (Ecc 1:11). Frank was not an anomaly, for it can be said of all men who lived that "every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually" (Gen 6:5).

One final, but very important thing to note, is the side comment made by the Asian seller at the very beginning. When Frank says he wants to purchase the box, he says, "Take it, its yours." After Frank nabs it and leaves, the man mutters, "It always was." Here we see a level of predestination and fate. "The Lord has made everything for its own purpose," Solomon writes, "even the wicked for the day of evil" (Pro 16:4). Frank has been marked out. He has been designated for his role in the story. He is like Judas, the "son of perdition" who would betray Christ so that "the Scripture would be fulfilled" (John 17:12). Frank's purpose, however, is to permit his own willful self-destruction. In this sense, therefore, the film is a surprisingly Calvinistic one. "What if God," the apostle Paul asked, "although willing to demonstrate His wrath and to make His power known, endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction?" (Rom 9:22) Hence, through the Cenobites, God enacts the punishment upon Frank which had been prepared for him. In this sense, Clive Barker's original novella was right: Frank's heart truly was a "hellbound" one.

This brings us to our concluding thoughts on Hellraiser. Unlike many horror films, which emphasize sin and vice for nothing more than lots of sex and gore, Hellraiser is communicating to its audience with truly Christian ideas. While the puzzle box in the movie might open doorways "of heaven or hell," Christians can surely use Hellraiser's puzzle box of a story as an opportunity to discuss what sin truly is, and how destructive a force it can be in our lives.This is an opportunity I beseech we take advantage of with full throttle.

Friday, October 17, 2014

The Rains of Mars Hill Church

The following is based off "The Rains of Castamere", from the Song of Ice and Fire book series (and more popularly known to some through the Game of Thrones TV adaptation). It is based on the recent events with Mark Driscoll.
And who are you, the pastor said,
That you would speak so bold?
Only a ewe who should heed, not lead;
Just do what you are told.
And don't question me, or critique my words,
Yes, don't dare make a fuss.
For bodies stacked up high and tall
Are found behind my bus.

And so he spoke, and so he spoke,
The Pope of Mars Hill Church;
But now his rants frighten no one
For no one longer fears.
And now the saints pray for his soul
With hopes that God will hear.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Lies

The following is a take on the song "Stars," from Les Miserables.
There, out on the websites,
A couple of videos
Showcasing me
Talking 'bout me
Raised in the jihad.
I never shall rest
Till there's no more to see
Till those sad bloggers flee

I know some people up on top
I've got some fanboys to boot
Those who challenge the past of the Caners
I'll strike with lawsuits
And when I lie
As Lucifer lied
You see my fruit.

Lies
In their multitudes
Scarce to be counted
All filled with darkness,
Distorting God's light
Thank Baal for seminaries
Silent and blind
Feigning things are alright
Just calling day for night

They know I moved as a teen
And I make consistent claims
I say I was born in
Sweden, or Turkey...
Well, it's never the same
But if I lie as Lucifer lied
I use Christ's name

And in the masjid
I received my teachings
Through all forty days of Ramadan
Then I fell at an altar and cried,
Isa bin Allah!

Lumpkins go stop them
Those who oppose me
Take down their blogs
But I'll never yield!
I'll keep up this game
'Til I'm judged for my lies!

Friday, March 21, 2014

Green Dollar


The following is a satire of "Hellfire" from Disney's version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
O human sophia
You know I am a learned man
Knowledgeable greatly of God's word
O human sophia
I do know what the scriptures say
Unlike what's thought by those sad Bible nerds

But tell me, sophia,
Why he makes me take a zig
Why this witchcraft makes my sins unfurled
I see him, I want him
That smug look and that powdered wig
Emboldens me to make friends with the world

This dollar, green dollar
Like fine delicacy
I forsake the scholar
And embrace relevancy

It's not my fault
Don't give me blame
It is society
They love to get inflamed
It's all God's fault!
He made the youth
To find a falsehood so much hipper
Than the truth!

O guide me, sophia,
I promise you I won't preach hell
I'll give lost men what they want to hear
Bring in all the cool peeps
And let my numbers start to swell
I'll even serve communion with draft beer

Associate Pastor: "Pastor, we finished the outdoor skating rink."

Pastor: "...what?"

Associate Pastor: "The one we were building right next to the basketball court. It's finished."

Pastor: "But I wanted an indoor...whatever. Get out, you idiot! I'll just build another one! And then, I'll buy an indoor wave machine!"

Green dollar, sweet dollar
Do not, world, my church spurn
Love me or I'll holler
Help me a profit turn
Men are saved by the Spirit
It doesn't depend on me
But for gain I'll teach what lost men yearn!

Friday, December 13, 2013

Merry Christmas (If That's OK)

A politically correct carol from the Santa Claus episode of the show Mystery Science Theater 3000. Rather amusing how this was written to make fun of political correctness, and now, a decade later, this is amazingly true in some circles.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Madden Theology

I was joking last night with some people regarding John Madden and how he would interpret various branches of Christian theology in his usual football rhetoric, and...well, it escalated...

So imagine, if you will, if John Madden was a...

Monergist

Synergist

Charismatic

Roman Catholic

Eastern Orthodox

Liberal Christian

Emergent

Dispensationalist

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Elder in God's House

The following is to the tune of "Master of the House" from Les Miserables.
Pastor
Welcome, brother, sit yourself down
And meet the best church leader around
Don't heed the news - I'm not a crook!
Come up and see, just come up and look
Seldom will you find
Fancy suits like mine
A smile on my face
With white teeth that shine

Elder in God's house, easing all your fears
Ready with some stories for your itching ears
Tells a dirty joke, says a racial slur
Congregants appreciate the bad humor
Glad to do the world a favor
Even God's name they'll despise
But gospel gets you nothing
For you see, our numbers gotta rise...

Elder in God's house, shepherd of the ewe
Ready to relieve them of a buck or two
Waterin' the truth, keepin' sermons terse
Makin' shallow lessons from a single verse
Everybody loves my CD's
My books go flyin' off the shelf
I'm workin' in the name of Jesus -
But I'm profitin' myself!

Congregants
Elder in God's house, feeding all his flock
Always wants to talk the talk and walk the walk
Poor man to the poor, low man to the low
Fine speaker, theosopher, and pure as snow!
A warrior to help the faithful
A warrior against all doubt

Pastor
But don't take any photos
Hey you! Security get him out!

Enter brother, sit in this chair
Take off your coat, breathe in some air
These days are hard, oh life's a curse!
Lighten your yoke - and maybe your purse!
Hear the band play on
It's our source of pride
Here you'll be entertained
But not edified

Mixing up doctrine, snatched from all around
Stir it all together and pretend it's sound
Use the word of God, strip the context bare
Takin' lots of scripture quotes from here and there
Smoke machine is up and running
Budget's paid by those who tithed
Reasonable pledges
Plus some little charges on the side!

Fifty for blind eyes, hundred for bad knees,
Triple more for healin' up your AIDS disease
Thousand for CP, double for your growth
Three thousand for children who are comatose
If you want some holy trinkets
You can bet I even got those
Hey, why should I fear it? Sell the Holy Spirit!
Simon Magus taught me how it goes!

Congregants
Elder in God's house, feeding all his flock
Always wants to talk the talk and walk the walk
Poor man to the poor, low man to the low
Fine speaker, theosopher, and pure as snow!
He knows how to keep attention
Catches your ear with his hook

Pastor
Can't afford that Corvette;
Better go and write another book!

Devil
I used to make heretics like a boss
But over time now, seems my silver's turned to dross

"Elder in God's house"? That just stings my tongue
"Fine speaker, theosopher" and pure as dung
Brings in quite a crowd, works his Midas touch,
Thinks he's Billy Graham, but that don't say much
Use to make wolves with stature, nowadays they're not so nice
Don't be too harsh, even I can make a mistake once or twice!

Pastor/Congregants
Elder in God's house!

Devil
Oh wait, is God here?

Pastor/Congregants
Fine speaker, theosopher...

Devil
When not on beer!

Pastor/Congregants
Poor man to the poor, low man to the low

Devil
'Til you criticize him, then he's a total shmo!

Pastor/Congregants
Everybody bless the Good Lord!
Everybody praise our God!

Pastor
Everybody lift your hand!

Devil
Everybody worship man!

All
Everybody start to worship the elder in God's house!

Monday, December 24, 2012

A "Last Christmas" Rant

So as many who read this blog know, I have an undying abhorrence for the song The Christmas Shoes. For those who are new to this vendetta of mine, read my post here. However, I thought I would take a break from lamenting the "Thomas Kinkade of Christmas music" to talk about another song. This song is none other than 1984's Last Christmas, sung by the British duo Wham! It was a huge hit when it was released, but I know a few people who hate this song, some of whom refuse to even be in the same room where it's playing.

Now, I personally don't necessarily hate this song (not on the same level on which I loathe The Christmas Shoes), but I can understand why other people dislike it. I thought it would be fun to examine it on this day, the eve of Christmas, and discuss just why some people are repulsed by this holiday diddy. Let's start, like we did with The Christmas Shoes, by reviewing the lyrics:
Last Christmas I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
Here is perhaps my biggest gripe about this song: it isn't really about Christmas. There's no mention of Jesus Christ. There's no mention of Santa. There's no mention of snow, sleigh bells, shopping sprees, or the like. What's it about? It's about a romantic break up! Why in the heck would you write a Christmas song about that? Why not write it about something equally depressing? Observe:
Last Christmas I ran over my cat
And the very next day I took out my dog
This year to save me from tears
I'll keep the car in the garage
Geez Louise  people. Granted, some might legitimately contend that there are far more depressing Christmas songs out there. For example, Bob Geldof's Do They Know It's Christmas?, released about that same year, makes reference to world hunger. Other songs, such as the Reggae Santa Clause (Do You Ever Come to the Ghetto?), speak for themselves. However, I think what makes Last Christmas stand out is the fact that it really, truly isn't about Christmas in the sense that it maintains a Christmas theme like other songs do. For example, look at the lyrics that follow the chorus:
Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby, do you recognize me?
Well, it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying 'I love you,' I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again
All right, so some might argue that the "wrapping" and "giving" parts of the song might lend itself towards Christmas, but keep in mind that gift giving and gift wrapping are not always associated with Christmas, and can happen at other times throughout the year. The fact is, these lyrics could fit with any other song. Still don't believe me? Look at the other lyrics:
Crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice
My god, I thought you were someone to rely on
Me, I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore him apart
Ooh hoo, now I've found a real love
You'll never fool me again
Seriously, if you were flipping through radio stations, came across these lyrics being sung, and had never heard the song before, you would never guess it was a Christmas song. I'll admit I don't know the back story to the song being written, but it wouldn't surprise me if it was originally written without a Christmas context, and the bit about Christmas was added to make it marketable for the Holiday season. You could literally fit it into any other holiday. Observe:
Last New Year's I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
And again:
Last Yom Kippur I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
And yet again:
Last Kwanzaa I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
Heck, it doesn't even have to be a holiday, just choose any day of the week. Observe:
Last Thursday I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This week to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
See?! I got lyrics to top the charts. I mean this whole song just feels like a generic romance song they converted into a Christmas song. You could do this with other songs for the same effect. Observe:
Where oh where could my baby be
Last Christmas took her away from me
See? I took a song about a fatal car crash that claimed the life of the narrator's girlfriend into a Christmas song! Sure the rest of the song has nothing to do with Christmas, but who cares? I got the word "Christmas" in there, it's officially a Christmas song. Now all I need to do is make a music video with a bunch of young couples wandering around a ski resort shooting angsty looks at each other, and I'm good to go!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I had a prophetic dream!

Hey hey hey! So I had a prophetic dream! Wanna hear it? Here it is!

So, I was in a church, right? And there are these people singing! And they're all dressed as chickens, but there was one guy that was dressed as a moose. Well, I didn't feel right, because usually chickens and moose don't get along, so I tried to get out, but then I saw a Nazi soldier in a coffin. And then the Nazi soldier jumped out, and he multiplied into more Nazis, and they formed a chorus line, and came at me. I fought them off for a while with my pinky finger, because it morphed into a sword, right? But eventually they overcame me and tossed me down a well behind the altar.

I fell and I fell, until finally I landed in a pool of oatmeal. Well I ate all the oatmeal, and then I had to use the bathroom, and I found one nearby, but someone knocked on the door and suddenly I didn't have to go. So I left, and I was walking through a tunnel, and that's when I found a flower. It was like a rose, but it was blue. Then it changed to orange. Then it changed to indigo. And he said to me, "My name is Indigo Montoya." Then it wasn't even a flower any more, it was a Ferrari. And I got in and drove through the tunnel, and then I got pulled over by an elephant on a unicycle and he gave me a ticket, and it was a golden ticket, which meant I could go to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.

So I go to the chocolate factory, and I enter the front doors, right? And there's this long hallway, and it's kinda dark, but there's a light up ahead. Well, I start walking up, and who should be up ahead but Jesus Christ! I couldn't believe it! I froze in place! The fear of the Lord 'n stuff came over me! And Jesus began to approach me, right? And he got closer, and closer, but didn't say anything. I was frozen! Yeah I was! And he got closer, and closer.

Finally the Lord spoke, and he said, "You're dreaming dreams."

"Yes, Lord!" I said, looking about at my surroundings. "What is this?"

And the Lord spoke, in a much louder voice, and the Lord said, "This is why you shouldn't mix Dr. Pepper with Tylenol PM."

I think the overall meaning of this little "prophetic dream" is that we shouldn't rely on the rambling dreams of people who claim to be prophesying directly from God. Let us rely on the word of God as our authority. God bless.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I want those collars to come back

All credits to the original...artist...meme maker...whatever.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

You have received a warning at Christian Forums

Dear Jesus Christ,

You have received a Warning at Christian Forums.

Reason:
-------
Warning

Hello Jesus Christ,

Your post quoted below was recently reported for staff review. After careful review our moderating team has reached consensus and has decided to issue you a warning for this post which you made in the thread "The Official Sanhedrin Thread!" for violation of the following Christian Forums rule:

Flaming
  • Do not insult, belittle, mock, goad, personally attack, threaten, harass, or use derogatory nicknames in reference to other members or groups of members. Address the context of the post, not the poster.
  • If you are flamed, do not respond in-kind. Alert staff to the situation by utilizing the report button. Do not report another member out of spite.
  • Do not state or imply that another member or group of members who have identified themselves as Christian are not Christian.
  • Those who do not adhere to the Statement of Faith are welcome as members and participants in discussions, but you are required to respect these beliefs, even if you do not share them.
Your post will remain deleted from the thread. Please take some time to review our Sitewide Rules before making any further posts. You should also review the Moderation Protocol for Christian Forums. This warning does not carry any points, however, further violations will lead to infractions which do carry points. The policy for reviewing staff actions is located here. The review policy is as follows:

If you receive a staff action such as a warning or an infraction, you may contact a Supervisor or an Administrator to discuss the action. If you receive a ban, you may use the Member Services Center to begin a thread and talk to the Administrators about the staff action. They will decide if the ban was given in error and should be reversed or if it was correct and should remain in place.

Should you have any questions or concerns please feel free to contact me, a Supervisor, or an Administrator.

Sincerely,
**CF Staff Team

-------

Original Post:
Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.
Warnings serve as a reminder to you of the forum's rules, which you are expected to understand and follow.

All the best,
Christian Forums

Sunday, May 20, 2012

A Clarification on Satire

So it has come to my attention, many times over, that two posts of mine written in satire (this and this) are continually getting assumed to be not-satire. People continue to think that those posts were real posts with real accounts that really did get reported. To explain this way:

Firstly, none of those accounts exist. "Paul33AD" and "Tishbite_Men_Rul" were "what if" jokes, pertaining to what the apostle Paul and the prophet Elijah would take as usernames if they lived today. If there really are usernames like that on the internet, it is sheer coincidence.

Secondly, I get the feeling people aren't reading the title of the threads to which the "reported posts" belonged. As I sincerely doubt there really exists a thread out there entitled "Why isn't Baal answering my prayers????", one has to conclude the thread name was made up, and hence the entire post is written in jest.

Thirdly, some people do not seem to recognize where the "offending posts" are from. The one for "Paul33AD" is taken from the first chapter of Galatians, while the one for "Tishbite_Men_Rul" is taken from what Elijah says to the priests of Baal during their encounter on Mount Carmel. They clearly aren't real internet posts.

I had at least one more such satire I was going to post before letting it rest for good, but at this moment I'm pondering if I should just let it rest. As the Joker once said, "If you have to explain the joke, then there is no joke."

Monday, May 7, 2012

You Have Received a Warning at Christian Forums

Dear Tishbite_Men_Rul,

You have received a Warning at Christian Forums.

Reason:
-------
Warning

Hello Tishbite_Men_Rul ,

Your post quoted below was recently reported for staff review. After careful review our moderating team has reached consensus and has decided to issue you a warning for this post which you made in the thread "Why isn't Baal answering my prayers????" for violation of the following Christian Forums rule:

Flaming
  • Do not insult, belittle, mock, goad, personally attack, threaten, harass, or use derogatory nicknames in reference to other members or groups of members. Address the context of the post, not the poster.
  • If you are flamed, do not respond in-kind. Alert staff to the situation by utilizing the report button. Do not report another member out of spite.
  • Do not state or imply that another member or group of members who have identified themselves as Christian are not Christian.
  • Those who do not adhere to the Statement of Faith are welcome as members and participants in discussions, but you are required to respect these beliefs, even if you do not share them.
Your post will remain deleted from the thread. Please take some time to review our Sitewide Rules before making any further posts. You should also review the Moderation Protocol for Christian Forums. This warning does not carry any points, however, further violations will lead to infractions which do carry points. The policy for reviewing staff actions is located here. The review policy is as follows:

If you receive a staff action such as a warning or an infraction, you may contact a Supervisor or an Administrator to discuss the action. If you receive a ban, you may use the Member Services Center to begin a thread and talk to the Administrators about the staff action. They will decide if the ban was given in error and should be reversed or if it was correct and should remain in place.

Should you have any questions or concerns please feel free to contact me, a Supervisor, or an Administrator.

Sincerely,
**CF Staff Team

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Original Post:
Cry aloud, for he is a god. Either he is musing, or he is relieving himself, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened.
Warnings serve as a reminder to you of the forum's rules, which you are expected to understand and follow.

All the best,
Christian Forums

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Jesus knows me

Genesis probably gave us the best satire of televangelists (and Word of Faith leaders) ever...

Saturday, April 14, 2012

You Have Received a Warning at Christian Forums

Dear Paul33AD,

You have received a Warning at Christian Forums.

Reason:
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Warning

Hello Paul33AD,

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Flaming
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Original Post:
O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? It was before your eyes that Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified. Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? Did you suffer so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain?
Warnings serve as a reminder to you of the forum's rules, which you are expected to understand and follow.

All the best,
Christian Forums

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Calvinist Meme

Yeah yeah yeah. I've actually been getting annoyed with these, but then I caved in and decided to make one myself, even though I'm sure there are probably ten others like this floating around the internet. Any who, just something for fun.


UPDATE - JULY 15,2012: This little sucker's gone viral! Reading the various reactions of people to it is the most entertaining part for me.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Judas Anointing

These days, I can't help but notice that a lot of Neo-Pentecostal and Hyper-Charismatic churches seem to be following a trend - namely, a hyping up of various "anointings." I've heard of "Anna anointings," "Daniel anointings," and every other anointing under the sun. These teachings seem to follow the same trend, and it seems like in order to mimic this, you just have to follow these easy steps.

1) Find a Biblical character who did something.
2) Slap the word "anointing" after their name.
3) Tell people God is ready to give this anointing to others willing to emulate this person.

So I propose we teach a new anointing available to the people of God...

THE JUDAS ANOINTING!

That's right, the Judas Anointing! With this anointing, we'll be able to start hanging ministries! No, I didn't mean to write "healing ministries," you read it correctly the first time, folks - hanging ministries! We need people willing to hang themselves for God, because God isn't just looking for people willing to feel sorry for their sin, He wants people who are willing to show how angry they are at what they did. So the Holy Spirit is going to raise up people with a Judas anointing to get'r done!

Now I know what some of you are thinking. Some of you might be pointing out that the only person we're told to emulate in the Bible is Jesus Christ, who was the perfect fulfillment of the Law. Some of you might be pointing out that this essentially introduces works-based salvation where our blessing is dependent upon everything we do. Some of you might be pointing out that no such anointing exists in the Bible, and therefore I'm adding to God's commands and guilty of moving away from the gospel.

Well, to all you people, I got one response...

DON'T YOU JUDGE ME I'VE GOT A LOT OF FOLLOWERS SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN HELPED I'M A NICE GUY DON'T CRITICIZE IT UNTIL YOU'VE EXPERIENCED IT YOU BIG MEANIE!!!!!!!!1111oneoneone

There, I think I've covered all my bases. So in conclusion: let's get this Judas anointing underway, let's start up some hanging ministries, and let's go out there and do what I - I mean - God wants us to do! GO FORTH, MY READERS!

DISCLAIMER: This is satire. If you seriously go out and hang yourself, I'm not responsible.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Mike Bickle's Scripture Reading Technique Applied

Sometime ago I started reading through a book by International House of Prayer founder Mike Bickle. At one point he goes into a semi-lengthy discussion about how it is far more important to methodically pray the Bible than it is to simply study the Bible.
Praying the Word back to God is much different from Bible study. While I am a serious advocate of Bible study, it cannot be mostly about the accumulation of more information and facts. Instead, Bible study must lead to dialogue with God...

Again, Bible study is important. Study alone, however, is not enough, for it fails to bring the presence of God to our hearts. The Bible was meant to be the conversational material that we bring to God. For example, when we read a passage in the Bible that tells us of God's love or mercy, we cannot just underline the passage and move on. It is not enough to just think about the passage or tell others about it. On the contrary, we must turn the words of the Bible into an active dialogue with Him.

Practically speaking, if I am reading a passage such as Psalm 51:1, where David prayed, "Have mercy upon me, O God, according to your lovingkindness; according to the multitude of Your tender mercies," first, I thank God, saying "Thank you, God, that You promise to have mercy on me." Next, I ask Him for more revelation. I would pray something like, "Reveal Your mercy more and more to me" and so on. Likewise, if I read a passage like Matthew 22:39 that says, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself," I first commit myself to obey it, then I ask Jesus for help. I pray, "Lord, I set my heart to love people." Then I ask the Holy Spirit to help me to love my neighbor well. As I read through the Word, I pause to pray these short phrases to God. Praying the Word helps me to enjoy my times of prayer as He releases more and more of His presence in response to my praying His Word. [pg. 33-34; The 7 Commitments of a Foreunner, 2009]
I decided to try this out myself. So let's see, I'm going to open up my Bible and go to a random verse...ah, here's one, Judges 19:29! All right, here we go...

When he entered his house, he took a knife...

OK, let's see here...Dear Lord, I thank you that you have given this man a house, and that you have likewise given me a house. I also thank you for my knife - in fact I have many knives, so I thank you for your providence in that regard, in that you give to us so much. Please give me more knives so that I may thank you more.

...and laid hold of his concubine...

Huh...OK. Um...Dear Lord, I thank you for giving this man a concubine to lay a hold of, which I assume is in mercy and grace. Please, Lord, reveal many, many, many concubines to me that I may lay hold of them, and show them my knife, so that they may know of your providence and come to a knowledge of your truth.

...and cut her in twelve pieces, limb by limb, and sent her throughout the territory of Israel.

Wait, what?! Um...Lord I thank you that you have revealed how to cut up concubines, um, may I have a chance to cut up a concubine and send her throughout Israel. Reveal a concubine to me so that I may cut her up and send her via mail to Israel for...you...uh...

All right, all right, all right, this isn't working out. Let me try another verse. Ah, here we go, Ezekiel 4:15.

Then He said to me, "See, I will only give you cow's dung in place of human dung..."

Eh? Well all right. Lord, I thank you that you have revealed cow's dung to me in place of human dung. It almost seems like a downgrade, but as you said to the apostle Paul, your grace is sufficient during my suffering, and I know that no matter what kind of dung I have, it will be enough. Please give me strength to get through the dung of life, whether it be cow's dung or human dung.

"...over which you will will prepare your bread."

Uh...Lord, I thank you that you have provided me cow's dung to cook my bread over, may the bread be delicious, and let me make a commitment to always cook my bread over cow's dung...wait...

You know what? I still have faith in the system. I'm going to try one more random verse. Lessee...ah here we go, Matthew 27:5! This is from the Gospels, so it can't possibly be too bad! All right, here we go...

And Judas threw the pieces of silver into the temple sanctuary...

Ah, perfect! Lord, I thank you that you instilled in Judas a sense of repentance. Instill in me a sense of repentance, that I too may cast away the blood money I have accumulated in my life, and cast it before my enemies in their individual sanctuaries!

...and departed; and he went away...

Ah, even more perfect! Lord, I thank you that you not only gave Judas a sense of repentance, but you made him realize he had to not only give back, but turn away from, all that had plagued him. Please, Lord, make me realize that I too need to just depart and walk away from the Sanhedrin in my life. Give me revelation of what sanctuaries I should depart from and go away from.

Awesome! This is working out splendidly! Now, how does this verse end...?

...and hanged himself.

...uh...dang...

Obviously, this post is written in the spirit of satire. All of the verses I've cited can be understood within their proper context, but you won't be able to understand them by trying to pray over them. That is why I would argue Bible study is far more important than "dialogue." Theology matters, and we can only form our theology from God's revelation, which He has given us that we might understand Him better. As we've seen here, not every verse in the Bible can be turned into an "active dialogue," and even if it can be done in such a way, it does not mean it is meant to be done.

Now, can prayer combined with scripture reading be helpful? Yes of course - it can even be respectful. Charles Spurgeon suggested that we pray before and even after we enter into a study of the word. Most churches, after reading from scripture, give a prayer related to what was read. However, to turn scripture into a kind of meditative therapy where you "dialogue" with God by trying to apply the verse to your daily life is to miss the point of God's revelation, and is in fact closer to mystic paganism than it is historical Christianity.

If you wish to enter into dialogue with God regarding the words of scripture, I might suggest an alternative to Bickle's methods. First, find every passage dealing with God's Law and commands in regards to sin and doing right. Admit before God that you have failed to uphold His Law and stand before Him a sinner worthy of nothing but condemnation and deserving of nothing but hell. Second, read every passage dealing with the righteousness of Christ and His justification of those who repent and believe in Him. Pray to God to give you such repentance that you may be saved, and thank the Lord for His mercy that, though you were a sinner and deserving of the full brunt of God's justice, He has shown mercy upon you by dying and paying for your sins, that you may be presented spotless before the Father on the day of judgment.

God bless.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Why the ESV is pure evil and you shouldn't use it

Ladies and gentlemen, I have come across some startling discoveries regarding the ESV translation. It was originally one of my favorite translations, just under the NASB. Now, however, I have received special revelation via making things up on the spot, and I have come to realize that the ESV is perhaps one of the most evil translations in the world. How evil is it? Well let's review the Official Evil Chart:
So as you can see, it's pretty evil. Maybe not the most evil, but it's pretty high up there. So why is it so evil? How do we know it should be avoided?

First, let's talk about the acronym: ESV. The official sources say that it stands for English Standard Version, but this is merely hiding the truth. You see, ESV backwards is VSE, which stands for Vienna Stock Exchange. It also stands for Vancouver Stock Exchange, as well as Vadodara Stock Exchange and VaraĹľdin Stock Exchange. Why so many stock exchanges related to this acronym? That's because the ESV is a thinly disguised plant by the New World Order of bankers, seeking to take over the world. Don't believe me? Let's use some basic logic: you need money to buy an ESV; banks have money; Q.E.D., the ESV is connected to banks.

If you still don't believe me, you should know that the government, who is run by the banks, is responsible for the ESV as well, and is attempting to sneak sin and vice into our bibles by using the ESV translation. Let's take a look at this acrostic algebra, which is exactly the same methodology Christ and the apostles used when handling scripture:
Some of you are probably wondering, "Why the heck am I still reading this blog post?" Some of you might also be wondering, "What does 'SSN' stand for?" It's short for Social Security Number. You know, the number you need to provide for your job and basic forms of identity. The number every person needs to get along in life. You know...the mark of the beast.

Do you want to see something truly horrifying? Compare the logo of the ESV with the symbol of the Hindu faith. The truth may shock you, but if you look carefully...you'll see that the ESV logo is a thinly disguised version of the Hindu symbol. Don't believe me? Observe:
The ESV logo reveals that this entire translation is just a thinly disguised attempt to introduce eastern religions into Christianity. The fact that John Piper, a well known Hindu swami, is part of the advisory council for the translation board, makes this pretty obvious. They even got RC Sproul, a famous Shinto priest, to contribute. If you still aren't convinced, look at this passage from the ESV translation which I totally did not edit from the original wording:
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but get reincarnated a lot, possibly into a snail, or a cow if he's lucky." [John 3:16]
Heed my words: avoid the ESV - it is the devil's translation. Still don't believe me? Look at this other verse from the ESV, which I totally did not edit to leave out certain words to thus prove my point:
Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD...Satan... [Job 1:6]
See! It calls Satan "lord"! What kind of Bible translation calls Satan lord?! That's completely counterproductive to the whole purpose of the book! I bet Satan was on the advisory board. Hey wait a minute...look at this excerpt from a page listing those who had a hand in the ESV translation...
Dr. Luder G. Whitlock. President, Reformed Theological Seminary, Jackson, MS.
Dr. Tetsunao Yamamori. President, Food for the Hungry, Scottsdale, AZ.
Dr. Robert W. Yarbrough. Associate Professor of New Testament, Trinity Evangelical Divinity School, Deerfield, IL.
Rev. John W. Yates II. Rector, The Falls Church, Falls Church, VA.
Satan, Prince of Darkness, Hell, MI.
HOW MUCH MORE EVIDENCE DO YOU PEOPLE NEED?!

As I close my post, let me just say that this post is 100% serious and I love Akira Kurosawa films. One of those statements is true.