Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

The Gospel of Hellraiser

For the background of this post, see the Twitter thread here and here.

***

Hellraiser is a 1987 horror film written and directed by Clive Barker, based off his novella The Hellbound Heart. It stars Andrew Robinson (who played the Scorpio Killer in Dirty Harry and Garak in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine). Since its initial release, Hellraiser has spawned a meager nine sequels, with the latest one set to come out this year. Like many horror films, Hellraiser explores the themes of evil, wickedness, and sin. Unlike most films in our degenerate culture, however, it's exploring these themes in surprisingly Christian ways.

From the very opening of the film, a Christian worldview is in sight. Frank Cotton is seen in a nameless Oriental market, speaking with an elderly Asian man. "What's your pleasure, Mr. Cotton?" the man asks. And so, with the very first words of the movie, we see what is driving the plotline: a reliance by man upon his fleshly desires. As the prophet Jeremiah warned, the human heart is "more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jer 17:9) How sick is it? We see this in the next scene, where Frank, in a strange ritual, unlocks the puzzle box... and is promptly attacked by hooks that dig into his flesh. Yet this sort of pain is what Frank wants. Frank is a character driven by sexual perversion. He never heeded the words of the apostle Paul to "make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts" (Rom 13:14), nor the words of the apostle Peter to "abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul" (1 Pet 2:11). When he speaks later of what motivated him to get the box, he explains: "It opens doors... Doors to the pleasures of heaven or hell - I didn't care which." In his seek for the pleasures of the flesh, he'd believed he'd gone to the limits, but knew there was more. As it happened, the Cenobites - demons who engage in sado-masochism - gave him something beyond limits. "Pain and pleasure indivisible." The Cenobites themselves are, as described by the Lead Cenobite (later nicknamed "Pinhead" by fans), considered "demons to some, angels to others." To Frank, and those of his similar mindset, what he's doing is perfectly right, because it satisfied him, even if what he's doing is revolting to conscious. His perversion is normality, and the Cenobites, though they desire the destruction of his soul, are heavenly angels. "All the ways of a man are clean in his own sight, but the Lord weighs the motives." (Pro 16:2)

After Frank's initial capture by the Cenobites, the film cuts to some time later (just as John often wrote "after these things"; John 5:1), and Larry, Frank's brother, moves into Frank's house with his second wife Julia. (Larry presumes his brother has gotten himself in a prison somewhere.) The Cotton family life is anything but stable: Larry's daughter Kirsty is growing more and more estranged, and Larry is trying to take away the tension between him and Julia, who does not have a servant's heart. For example, when they're moving in, one of the movers asks, "You got any beer?" Julia simply says, "There's some in the fridge." After an awkward moment of silence, Larry is forced to go get it himself, saying sarcastically, "I've got nothing better to do." Later on, it is revealed that, before Larry and Julia married, Julia and Frank started an adulterous relationship. When they move into the house, Julia finds old photos of Frank (including the more perverse ones) and keeps them for herself, fantasizing about their past relationship. Hence Julia is far from a Proverbs 31 woman, and it could not be said of her: "The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life" (Pro 31:11-12). When she encounters the resurrected Frank, she at once recommits to their adultery, and even engages in murder to assist his return to normal. At first, she's repulsed by her own acts, but over time she grows immune, and even learns to love it, to the point that things which used to offend her (eg., boxing) no longer have any effect.

These murders in and of themselves are worth pondering over. Julia goes to bars and picks up men, bringing them back to her house where she beats them with a hammer. She is like the harlot seen by Solomon; in fact, in one scene Kirsty sees Julia take one of the men to her house, and so fulfills the words of scripture: "I saw among the naive, and discerned among the youths a young man lacking sense, passing through the street near her corner; and he takes the way to her house" (Pro 7:7-8). Julia, by her slaying, fulfills the warning of Solomon regarding the adulteress: "Many are the victims she has cast down, and numerous are all her slain. Her house is the way to Sheol, descending to the chambers of death" (Pro 7:26-27).

You may have noticed I said earlier "the resurrected Frank." Yes indeed, resurrection carries a theme in this movie. While moving a bed upstairs, Larry cuts himself on an old nail, and drips blood into the floor of the attic. This blood seeps under the floor, where Frank's still beating heart lurks. This sets off a chain reaction in which Frank's body is quite literally resurrected from the ground. It's a long sequence, in which his skull, his bones, his muscles - everything - are reconstructed. Fingers regrow, organs are planted into him. It is a resurrection in every sense of the word - in fact, the musical track for the scene is known as "Resurrection." Yet this resurrection is incomplete: when it finishes, he is more like a dried corpse than a human being. Julia must kill and let him take the blood from the victims in order to become whole again. In this sense, just as the Cenobites are distortions of angels, so is this a distortion of true spiritual resurrection. "Behold, I am making all things new," Christ promised (Rev 21:5). Evil, however, cannot make anything truly new. It is always coming up short of God's glory and perfection. Hence, similarly, a sinful, evil resurrection can only make a dead body animated - it cannot make it truly alive.

The end of the film has the most infamous scene in the movie. Frank has killed Larry, and is now wearing his skin to be "complete." Evil cannot exist by itself - it must be a distortion of good. Kirsty, however, has tricked Frank into confessing what he did with the Cenobites nearby. ("You have been snared with the words of your mouth, have been caught with the words of your mouth"; Pro 6:2.) The Cenobites appear, and begin to capture Frank by latching hooks through every part of his flesh, to the point of stretching out his face. In the midst of this great agony and pain, Frank suddenly looks at Kirsty with a smile, licks his lips, and declares, "Jesus wept." He chuckles before the Cenobites literally tear him apart. The line is obviously a reference to John 11:35, the shortest line in all of scripture. In the DVD commentary for the film, Clive Barker explains that the script had originally said "F--- you," but Andrew Robinson improvised the line which made it into the scene. There is much speculation about what drove Robinson to choose that line, or how it relates to the film as a whole, but I think one theory perhaps sums it up best: while Jesus wept over the suffering of mankind, and his own suffering later on the cross, Frank embraces it. He wants it. He loves it. Despite his attempts to gain freedom into our world again, this was what we truly desired all along. The Cenobites can torture him all he wants, because it's the torture that makes him happy. Jesus wept; Frank laughs.

In many ways, Frank's death scene is an anti-Passion. Consider this.
  • He takes on flesh (albeit his brother's rather than his own).
  • He is betrayed by someone he trusts (his niece) into the hands of his enemies (the Cenobites)
  • He is tortured cruelly.
  • His arms are spread out, like one is during crucifixion. (His hands are even pierced, akin to Psalm 22:16.)
  • He is killed.
Lest we think the Cenobites have some good in them for killing Frank and hence avenging Larry, we must remember that, at the end, the Cenobites turn against Kirsty, and it is up to her to defeat them. Such a situation is seen in scripture: "I will put enmity between you and the woman" God said to the devil (Gen 3:15). At the very end of the film, a demon takes the box and flies into the sky, and it is next seen with the elderly Asian man again, who repeats his question from the beginning to a brand new customer: "What's your pleasure, sir?" Hence the cycle of sin is prepared to start again. "There is no remembrance of earlier things; and also of the later things which will occur," Solomon lamented, "there will be for them no remembrance among those who will come later still" (Ecc 1:11). Frank was not an anomaly, for it can be said of all men who lived that "every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually" (Gen 6:5).

One final, but very important thing to note, is the side comment made by the Asian seller at the very beginning. When Frank says he wants to purchase the box, he says, "Take it, its yours." After Frank nabs it and leaves, the man mutters, "It always was." Here we see a level of predestination and fate. "The Lord has made everything for its own purpose," Solomon writes, "even the wicked for the day of evil" (Pro 16:4). Frank has been marked out. He has been designated for his role in the story. He is like Judas, the "son of perdition" who would betray Christ so that "the Scripture would be fulfilled" (John 17:12). Frank's purpose, however, is to permit his own willful self-destruction. In this sense, therefore, the film is a surprisingly Calvinistic one. "What if God," the apostle Paul asked, "although willing to demonstrate His wrath and to make His power known, endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction?" (Rom 9:22) Hence, through the Cenobites, God enacts the punishment upon Frank which had been prepared for him. In this sense, Clive Barker's original novella was right: Frank's heart truly was a "hellbound" one.

This brings us to our concluding thoughts on Hellraiser. Unlike many horror films, which emphasize sin and vice for nothing more than lots of sex and gore, Hellraiser is communicating to its audience with truly Christian ideas. While the puzzle box in the movie might open doorways "of heaven or hell," Christians can surely use Hellraiser's puzzle box of a story as an opportunity to discuss what sin truly is, and how destructive a force it can be in our lives.This is an opportunity I beseech we take advantage of with full throttle.

Friday, October 17, 2014

The Rains of Mars Hill Church

The following is based off "The Rains of Castamere", from the Song of Ice and Fire book series (and more popularly known to some through the Game of Thrones TV adaptation). It is based on the recent events with Mark Driscoll.
And who are you, the pastor said,
That you would speak so bold?
Only a ewe who should heed, not lead;
Just do what you are told.
And don't question me, or critique my words,
Yes, don't dare make a fuss.
For bodies stacked up high and tall
Are found behind my bus.

And so he spoke, and so he spoke,
The Pope of Mars Hill Church;
But now his rants frighten no one
For no one longer fears.
And now the saints pray for his soul
With hopes that God will hear.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Lies

The following is a take on the song "Stars," from Les Miserables.
There, out on the websites,
A couple of videos
Showcasing me
Talking 'bout me
Raised in the jihad.
I never shall rest
Till there's no more to see
Till those sad bloggers flee

I know some people up on top
I've got some fanboys to boot
Those who challenge the past of the Caners
I'll strike with lawsuits
And when I lie
As Lucifer lied
You see my fruit.

Lies
In their multitudes
Scarce to be counted
All filled with darkness,
Distorting God's light
Thank Baal for seminaries
Silent and blind
Feigning things are alright
Just calling day for night

They know I moved as a teen
And I make consistent claims
I say I was born in
Sweden, or Turkey...
Well, it's never the same
But if I lie as Lucifer lied
I use Christ's name

And in the masjid
I received my teachings
Through all forty days of Ramadan
Then I fell at an altar and cried,
Isa bin Allah!

Lumpkins go stop them
Those who oppose me
Take down their blogs
But I'll never yield!
I'll keep up this game
'Til I'm judged for my lies!

Friday, March 21, 2014

Green Dollar


The following is a satire of "Hellfire" from Disney's version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
O human sophia
You know I am a learned man
Knowledgeable greatly of God's word
O human sophia
I do know what the scriptures say
Unlike what's thought by those sad Bible nerds

But tell me, sophia,
Why he makes me take a zig
Why this witchcraft makes my sins unfurled
I see him, I want him
That smug look and that powdered wig
Emboldens me to make friends with the world

This dollar, green dollar
Like fine delicacy
I forsake the scholar
And embrace relevancy

It's not my fault
Don't give me blame
It is society
They love to get inflamed
It's all God's fault!
He made the youth
To find a falsehood so much hipper
Than the truth!

O guide me, sophia,
I promise you I won't preach hell
I'll give lost men what they want to hear
Bring in all the cool peeps
And let my numbers start to swell
I'll even serve communion with draft beer

Associate Pastor: "Pastor, we finished the outdoor skating rink."

Pastor: "...what?"

Associate Pastor: "The one we were building right next to the basketball court. It's finished."

Pastor: "But I wanted an indoor...whatever. Get out, you idiot! I'll just build another one! And then, I'll buy an indoor wave machine!"

Green dollar, sweet dollar
Do not, world, my church spurn
Love me or I'll holler
Help me a profit turn
Men are saved by the Spirit
It doesn't depend on me
But for gain I'll teach what lost men yearn!

Friday, December 13, 2013

Merry Christmas (If That's OK)

A politically correct carol from the Santa Claus episode of the show Mystery Science Theater 3000. Rather amusing how this was written to make fun of political correctness, and now, a decade later, this is amazingly true in some circles.

Friday, August 16, 2013

St. Patrick's Bad Analogies

Some examples of Trinitarian analogies people shouldn't use, presented in a humorous way.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

"When a Jihadist Calls"

Christian apologist David Wood goes through some 40+ messages on his phone...

Saturday, February 23, 2013

How to be Annoying in Online Discussions

Some of you have probably wondered to yourself: "Just how can I make the internet an even more aggravating place to be in?" Have you ever wondered how you can go to any online forum or form of social media and make your mark in its culture? If you have, just follow these simple tips, and you can have a sure promise of success!

1) Just jump in.

Don't actually have some background knowledge in what's being discussed. Don't do any preliminary research. Don't even bother reading back and seeing how the thread started or how the conversation began. Who needs to see the flow of thought? Who needs to see if anything's already been addressed? Who needs to understand another person's point of view? Just dive in the minute you see a comment or post you don't like. Don't respond to the person's overall view, but what they're saying right then and there. Make wild assumptions even.

In fact, if you want to get golden points, actually admit what you're doing. Say something like "I haven't actually read through the thread, but...", or "Hey, I haven't actually read your post, but..." This will give you plenty of legitimacy in the conversation!

2) Break up every half a sentence from the person's post into countless mini-quotes.

You know what I mean. Don't just give a full, coherent response to the other person's post - that would be too easy on the eyes and make discussion easier. Instead, quote the person's posts, then cut it up into mini-quotes, each between half a sentence or a single sentence long. Yes, I know that he explained that one point a few sentences later, but don't bother to respond to the context - just respond to what you see in that tiny quote. And when you get to said explanation, don't acknowledge it - in fact, treat those two quotes as separate ideas!

Remember, if a person doesn't have to scroll down for a whole minute to read your response, you haven't done your job well.

3) Don't actually respond to what the person is saying.

Look at that point the guy is trying to make there. Isn't it a wonderful point? It is, in fact, it might refute your case. So here's what we're gonna do...we're going to pretend we don't understand what he's getting at, and misinterpret it so that it makes him look dumb.

If that sounds like too much work, you can always just repeat the same argument you made before. Change a word here and there, maybe add a comma, and you're good to go. And yes, these do go to eleven, why do you ask?

4) Make several posts in a row.

So you've posted your glorious response, and then you realize...wait! You have something else to add! No, don't go for that "edit" button - that would be too organized. No no no, you have to make a whole other post! Who cares if the person you're responding to might be already working on a reply, and may miss your follow up post before he's hit "send"?

Oh, and just for good measure, when the other person responds, don't give him time to respond to your second post to catch up...respond IMMEDIATELY to that post he just made! That'll show him how crafty you are!

5) Insult and attack if you must.

Uh oh! It looks like someone's made a rational counterpoint that you can't give a response to! We can't have that! When desperate times call for desperate measures, you know what to do. No, I'm not talking about saying something humble like "I'll need to do more research before I respond to that," or "That's an interesting point, I'll need to consider it." I'm talking about accusing the person of being too slow, maybe even too stupid, to get your wonderful arguments.

If the forum offers sarcastic looking smilies - use 'em! You get double points for doing so.

6) If they get upset, you must project!

Now if the other person is rational and not just crazy like you, at some point they're going to call you out on all your shenanigans. That's when you use your secret weapon: projection. Ask why they're getting so upset. Accuse them of doing the same thing you're doing (even if there's no way to prove it), and say that it's clear they're getting upset because they have no real arguments. Yes, that's right, they clearly are only upset because of how super duper awesome you are. That's the only possible explanation.

Oh, and if a mod or admin steps in and enacts some discipline because your antics violate "forum rules" (whatever those are), accuse the website as a whole of censoring the truth! Just ignore the fact that plenty of other people are disagreeing and not being supposedly censored - clearly the only reason they're responding to you this way is because they're fascists.

7) If they leave - no matter why - declare victory.

If you're still using all these tricks, at some point the other person is probably going to think you're acting like an immature individual and cease conversation. They might tell this to you bluntly and say they don't desire to continue conversation, or they might just flat out stop talking to you. Depending on the website, they might put you on ignore. And how should you respond? Should you repent of your deeds and seek to better yourself, so that the next conversation you have might be edifying?

Of course not! This is a victory! Go into the streets and proclaim your victory to all the world! You've successfully annoyed someone on the internet! But oh no wait, don't think that. No, you won this debate because of your immense skill and the power of your arguments! Ha ha! Score one for some random guy on the internet!

Oh yeah, we suggested earlier that there might be some problems encountered with the owners of the website. If you get banned from a forum or website, just remember...it wasn't because of your personal flaws. No, it was because of how super awesome your ability to handle adult conversations was. Clearly, these people just can't handle the truth.

8) Don't think this blog post is about you.

Hmmm...could this blog post be describing you? Naaaah...




So there you have it, eight helpful tips on how to be annoying in online discussions. Just follow these easy tips, and soon you'll be having countless of people face palming themselves into oblivion and cringing at the very thought of opening their browser.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Richard III Theology

Some demotivational posters inspired by Shakespeare's The Tragedy of Richard III. It's my favorite Shakespeare play, and I was recently inspired by it with the news that they supposedly found his remains over in Britain.

The screenshots are taken from the excellent Ron Cook portrayal of the title character in a BBC production, which can be viewed in its entirety here.





Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Monday, February 4, 2013

Madden Theology

I was joking last night with some people regarding John Madden and how he would interpret various branches of Christian theology in his usual football rhetoric, and...well, it escalated...

So imagine, if you will, if John Madden was a...

Monergist

Synergist

Charismatic

Roman Catholic

Eastern Orthodox

Liberal Christian

Emergent

Dispensationalist

Sunday, January 20, 2013

A "personal promise" Bible?

Recently someone sent me a link to this: the Personal Promise Bible! As it says on the front page, it offers to print a customized Bible that "inserts YOUR name in more than 7000 key scriptures throughout the bible." I decided to test it out, so I just chose any random ol' name and tried the demo verse they offer:
By which He has granted to Judas Iscariot His precious and exceedingly great promises; that through these Judas Iscariot may become a partaker of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world by lust.
2 Peter 1:4
Hmm...I sense a glitch in the Matrix...

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Elder in God's House

The following is to the tune of "Master of the House" from Les Miserables.
Pastor
Welcome, brother, sit yourself down
And meet the best church leader around
Don't heed the news - I'm not a crook!
Come up and see, just come up and look
Seldom will you find
Fancy suits like mine
A smile on my face
With white teeth that shine

Elder in God's house, easing all your fears
Ready with some stories for your itching ears
Tells a dirty joke, says a racial slur
Congregants appreciate the bad humor
Glad to do the world a favor
Even God's name they'll despise
But gospel gets you nothing
For you see, our numbers gotta rise...

Elder in God's house, shepherd of the ewe
Ready to relieve them of a buck or two
Waterin' the truth, keepin' sermons terse
Makin' shallow lessons from a single verse
Everybody loves my CD's
My books go flyin' off the shelf
I'm workin' in the name of Jesus -
But I'm profitin' myself!

Congregants
Elder in God's house, feeding all his flock
Always wants to talk the talk and walk the walk
Poor man to the poor, low man to the low
Fine speaker, theosopher, and pure as snow!
A warrior to help the faithful
A warrior against all doubt

Pastor
But don't take any photos
Hey you! Security get him out!

Enter brother, sit in this chair
Take off your coat, breathe in some air
These days are hard, oh life's a curse!
Lighten your yoke - and maybe your purse!
Hear the band play on
It's our source of pride
Here you'll be entertained
But not edified

Mixing up doctrine, snatched from all around
Stir it all together and pretend it's sound
Use the word of God, strip the context bare
Takin' lots of scripture quotes from here and there
Smoke machine is up and running
Budget's paid by those who tithed
Reasonable pledges
Plus some little charges on the side!

Fifty for blind eyes, hundred for bad knees,
Triple more for healin' up your AIDS disease
Thousand for CP, double for your growth
Three thousand for children who are comatose
If you want some holy trinkets
You can bet I even got those
Hey, why should I fear it? Sell the Holy Spirit!
Simon Magus taught me how it goes!

Congregants
Elder in God's house, feeding all his flock
Always wants to talk the talk and walk the walk
Poor man to the poor, low man to the low
Fine speaker, theosopher, and pure as snow!
He knows how to keep attention
Catches your ear with his hook

Pastor
Can't afford that Corvette;
Better go and write another book!

Devil
I used to make heretics like a boss
But over time now, seems my silver's turned to dross

"Elder in God's house"? That just stings my tongue
"Fine speaker, theosopher" and pure as dung
Brings in quite a crowd, works his Midas touch,
Thinks he's Billy Graham, but that don't say much
Use to make wolves with stature, nowadays they're not so nice
Don't be too harsh, even I can make a mistake once or twice!

Pastor/Congregants
Elder in God's house!

Devil
Oh wait, is God here?

Pastor/Congregants
Fine speaker, theosopher...

Devil
When not on beer!

Pastor/Congregants
Poor man to the poor, low man to the low

Devil
'Til you criticize him, then he's a total shmo!

Pastor/Congregants
Everybody bless the Good Lord!
Everybody praise our God!

Pastor
Everybody lift your hand!

Devil
Everybody worship man!

All
Everybody start to worship the elder in God's house!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

What have the Calvinists ever given us?

The following is meant for humor, and is based off the What have the Romans ever done for us? routine from the Monty Python film Life of Brian.
[The pastor of a Free Will Baptist church sits at a table flanked by his deacon, with many of his fellow church members (FCM) before him]

Pastor: "They criticize us and persecute us! And not just us, but our fathers! And our father's fathers!"

Deacon: "And our father's father's fathers!"

Pastor: "Yeah..."

Deacon: "And our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers!"

Pastor: "Yeah all right, don't belabor the point. And what have the Calvinists ever given us in return?"

[The room is silent for many seconds, then...]

FCM #1: [raising hand] "...the First Great Awakening?"

Pastor: "...what?"

FCM #1: "The First Great Awakening?"

Pastor: "...oh, yeah yeah, they did give us that, yeah that's true..."

FCM #2: "And the early Protestant missionary movements."

Deacon: "Oh yeah, like the Puritans in New England, John Eliot with the American Indians, David Brainerd and Jonathan Edwards with them as well, William Carey, George Whitefield, David Livingston and others. Remember the Roman Catholics were beating us at missionary work until they stepped in. Over half the early Protestant missionaries were Calvinist."

Pastor: "Yeah all right, I'll grant you the First Great Awakening and the early Protestant missionary movements are two things the Calvinists have done for us..."

FCM #3: "And Pilgrim's Progress!"

Pastor: "Well of course Pilgrim's Progress, I mean Pilgrim's Progress goes without saying! But apart from the First Great Awakening, early Protestant missionary movements, and Pilgrim's Progress..."

FCM #4: "The English Standard Version?"

FCM #5: "Early Protestant confessions?"

FCM #6: "The Pilgrims?"

FCM #7: "And the contemporary works of apologetics!"

Deacon: "Oh yeah, like John Owen, Francis Turretin and others. I mean let's face it, pastor, they're the only ones who could make any order out of messes like Socinianism!"

Pastor: [angrily] "All right, all right! But apart from the First Great Awakening, early Protestant missionary movements, Pilgrim's Progress, the English Standard Version, early Protestant confessions, the Pilgrims, and contemporary apologetics against heresy...what have the Calvinists ever given us?"

FCM #1: "...renewed orthodoxy?"

Pastor: "Oh, renewed orthodoxy...SHUT UP!!"

Monday, December 24, 2012

A "Last Christmas" Rant

So as many who read this blog know, I have an undying abhorrence for the song The Christmas Shoes. For those who are new to this vendetta of mine, read my post here. However, I thought I would take a break from lamenting the "Thomas Kinkade of Christmas music" to talk about another song. This song is none other than 1984's Last Christmas, sung by the British duo Wham! It was a huge hit when it was released, but I know a few people who hate this song, some of whom refuse to even be in the same room where it's playing.

Now, I personally don't necessarily hate this song (not on the same level on which I loathe The Christmas Shoes), but I can understand why other people dislike it. I thought it would be fun to examine it on this day, the eve of Christmas, and discuss just why some people are repulsed by this holiday diddy. Let's start, like we did with The Christmas Shoes, by reviewing the lyrics:
Last Christmas I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
Here is perhaps my biggest gripe about this song: it isn't really about Christmas. There's no mention of Jesus Christ. There's no mention of Santa. There's no mention of snow, sleigh bells, shopping sprees, or the like. What's it about? It's about a romantic break up! Why in the heck would you write a Christmas song about that? Why not write it about something equally depressing? Observe:
Last Christmas I ran over my cat
And the very next day I took out my dog
This year to save me from tears
I'll keep the car in the garage
Geez Louise  people. Granted, some might legitimately contend that there are far more depressing Christmas songs out there. For example, Bob Geldof's Do They Know It's Christmas?, released about that same year, makes reference to world hunger. Other songs, such as the Reggae Santa Clause (Do You Ever Come to the Ghetto?), speak for themselves. However, I think what makes Last Christmas stand out is the fact that it really, truly isn't about Christmas in the sense that it maintains a Christmas theme like other songs do. For example, look at the lyrics that follow the chorus:
Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby, do you recognize me?
Well, it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying 'I love you,' I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again
All right, so some might argue that the "wrapping" and "giving" parts of the song might lend itself towards Christmas, but keep in mind that gift giving and gift wrapping are not always associated with Christmas, and can happen at other times throughout the year. The fact is, these lyrics could fit with any other song. Still don't believe me? Look at the other lyrics:
Crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice
My god, I thought you were someone to rely on
Me, I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore him apart
Ooh hoo, now I've found a real love
You'll never fool me again
Seriously, if you were flipping through radio stations, came across these lyrics being sung, and had never heard the song before, you would never guess it was a Christmas song. I'll admit I don't know the back story to the song being written, but it wouldn't surprise me if it was originally written without a Christmas context, and the bit about Christmas was added to make it marketable for the Holiday season. You could literally fit it into any other holiday. Observe:
Last New Year's I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
And again:
Last Yom Kippur I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
And yet again:
Last Kwanzaa I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
Heck, it doesn't even have to be a holiday, just choose any day of the week. Observe:
Last Thursday I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This week to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
See?! I got lyrics to top the charts. I mean this whole song just feels like a generic romance song they converted into a Christmas song. You could do this with other songs for the same effect. Observe:
Where oh where could my baby be
Last Christmas took her away from me
See? I took a song about a fatal car crash that claimed the life of the narrator's girlfriend into a Christmas song! Sure the rest of the song has nothing to do with Christmas, but who cares? I got the word "Christmas" in there, it's officially a Christmas song. Now all I need to do is make a music video with a bunch of young couples wandering around a ski resort shooting angsty looks at each other, and I'm good to go!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Pope and Michelangelo

A Monty Python sketch featuring a discussion between Michelangelo and the Pope on how to do a painting of the Last Supper.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I had a prophetic dream!

Hey hey hey! So I had a prophetic dream! Wanna hear it? Here it is!

So, I was in a church, right? And there are these people singing! And they're all dressed as chickens, but there was one guy that was dressed as a moose. Well, I didn't feel right, because usually chickens and moose don't get along, so I tried to get out, but then I saw a Nazi soldier in a coffin. And then the Nazi soldier jumped out, and he multiplied into more Nazis, and they formed a chorus line, and came at me. I fought them off for a while with my pinky finger, because it morphed into a sword, right? But eventually they overcame me and tossed me down a well behind the altar.

I fell and I fell, until finally I landed in a pool of oatmeal. Well I ate all the oatmeal, and then I had to use the bathroom, and I found one nearby, but someone knocked on the door and suddenly I didn't have to go. So I left, and I was walking through a tunnel, and that's when I found a flower. It was like a rose, but it was blue. Then it changed to orange. Then it changed to indigo. And he said to me, "My name is Indigo Montoya." Then it wasn't even a flower any more, it was a Ferrari. And I got in and drove through the tunnel, and then I got pulled over by an elephant on a unicycle and he gave me a ticket, and it was a golden ticket, which meant I could go to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.

So I go to the chocolate factory, and I enter the front doors, right? And there's this long hallway, and it's kinda dark, but there's a light up ahead. Well, I start walking up, and who should be up ahead but Jesus Christ! I couldn't believe it! I froze in place! The fear of the Lord 'n stuff came over me! And Jesus began to approach me, right? And he got closer, and closer, but didn't say anything. I was frozen! Yeah I was! And he got closer, and closer.

Finally the Lord spoke, and he said, "You're dreaming dreams."

"Yes, Lord!" I said, looking about at my surroundings. "What is this?"

And the Lord spoke, in a much louder voice, and the Lord said, "This is why you shouldn't mix Dr. Pepper with Tylenol PM."

I think the overall meaning of this little "prophetic dream" is that we shouldn't rely on the rambling dreams of people who claim to be prophesying directly from God. Let us rely on the word of God as our authority. God bless.